Embracing his Inner Snake, a Parselmouth Snarrody
by drwritermom
Summary: Harry Potter and Severus Snape are soulmates, Veelacorns, and caught in the crosshairs of Dumbledore's quest for world domination. Tom Riddle never stood a chance against the manipulative Headmaster. Watch Wizarding history turned arse over tiddles as Harry and Severus join forces. Much irreverent parody, neigh Snarrody, awaits you! Giddy up!
1. Chapter 1

Embracing his Inner Snake, a Parselmouth Snarrody

Summary:

Harry Potter is the dratted spawn of the Potion Master's Hogwarts nemesis, James Tiberius Kirk - oops, wrong fandom, James-archetype Gryffindor-Potter. Watch what happens when Snape's new nemesis fails to do his assigned summer reading and is held after class by his vengeful Potions Professor, Severus Snape. Snape soon realizes, to his utter horror, that he, Potions Master par excellence ain't the only ginormously-powered half-blood wizard Dumbledore has mistreated by leaving him in the hands of malicious Muggles. A whole lotta words that pretell the payback that three half-blood wizards rain down upon one purebred megalomaniac. And there are Veelacorns a-comin', 'cause they're a thing/are things - subject-verb agreement, who am I, the grammar police? Oh, and there is a lotta Inner Monologue, just because. Veelacorns are cute, and no, I don't abuse substances of any kind, this is just the way my brain is wired. Enjoy!

Notes:

For elvirakitties, lovetoseverus, sheankelor, Alisanne.

Inspired by Plot Bunnies by elvirakitties.

No money is crossing my palms for this Snarrody. JKR, keep all the money, I'm here for the chuckles. This is inspired by Chapter 24 of Elvirakitties' Plot bunnies. Read the chapter and the first response to said Chapter, that is where I am ROUGHLY taking the bunny for walkies.

Chapter 1: Partners in Crime

Summary:

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, arrives at Hogwarts, the son of the Potion Master's rival, James Potter. The Headmaster has told him that Harry Potter is a spoiled brat, just like his father. Snape soon learns that this is the opposite of the truth, that he lives in squalor with his deceased best friend's sister and her walrus husband and juvenile walrus son. Read on to see how Severus Snape and Harry Potter become "Partners in Crime".

Harry Potter is ensconced in his seat in the dungeon classroom , his thoughts carried away by the melodic baritone of Master Potioneer, Severus Snape, as he delivers his annual "Welcome to Potions, You Totally Hopeless Dunderhead Firsties" Lecture :

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. . . I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach." (JKR, Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone)

Snape locks eyes with a particularly annoying firstie, the mirror image spawn of his Marauder nemesis, Harry Potter, and spots his seeming inattentiveness. He ruthlessly quizzes Harry on the summer reading assignment, that Harry definitely did NOT read, as Uncle Vernon had his books locked up tighter than Gringotts, in Harry's former bedroom under the stairs. Hermoine, the annoying bushy haired know it all, tried to show off her "I totally memorized the book and I am dying to make all who are not me look like dunces" prowess, failing to realize that her brown-nosing ways would only serve to inflame the ire of the professor. He bypasses her with a sneer that was utterly wasted on her, as she has failed miserably at nonverbal cues all of her life, and stands directly in front of his new nemesis ("James Potter is dead, it's time to retaliate against the next generation of Potter, population one, because I told the Dark One about the prophecy"- oh shit, Lily's dead, it's my fault, now I'm sad - what to do - I know). "See me after class, Potter, my time is too valuable, and I have no desire, to waste the first evening of term in detention with the likes of you", Snape snarls as he smacks the back of Hermoine's head with a rolled up parchment, because nobody likes a know it all, especially not the Professor, who really does know it ALL, unlike Hermoine, who only thinks she does.

And now we fast forward to the end of class, because the first day of term is boring as hell and does nothing to advance the story. "So, Mister Holier than Thou, "I Survived Voldemort and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt" Boy Who Lived, do you think you are so above your classmates that you are exempt from the summer reading?", Snape snarls, failing to notice that he has so frightened Harry, that the poor orphan is losing bladder control while Snape is engaging in said snarling. "Sir, the Dursleys hate magic and forbade me from reading any of my assignments over the summer. Aunt Petunia hits me on top of the head with a frying pan whenever I even think about magic, and Uncle Vernon has taken to occasionally beating me senseless and throwing me in my cupboard, for no reason, ever since I spoke to that snake at the zoo and set it free. I am sorry, Professor, Sir."

The wheels in Snape's brain were furiously spinning. Petunia Dursley, Lily's spiteful, magic-envying sister, and her magic-hating spouse are Harry's guardians. Harry is a Parselmouth. Dumbledore is allowing Harry to be abused, while he lets people believe that Harry is being well cared for. And Severus thought he was the only wizard Dumbledore tormented with "kindness". Oh my Merlin, it's time for a paradigm shift, he thinks, as he chooses his next words carefully, while wordlessly vanishing the puddle at Harry's feet and simultaneously drying Harry's trousers.

"Harry, I owe you an apology. The Headmaster has led me to believe that you are a pampered hero. Clearly, you are not. He has manipulated me my entire adult life, over a prophecy I overheard. Voldemort used that prophecy as justification to kill your parents. He could have chosen the Longbottoms, he did not, he chose the Potters. Not. My. Fault, regardless of what Dumbledore believes. I rescued you from the wreckage of your home, and Dumbledore delivered you from one evil to another. He will use you, Harry, as he has used me, and he will feel no guilt in doing so. He believes only he knows what is good for wizardkind. He is wrong. He made The Dark Lord Dark, by allowing him to be abused by muggles, just as you were by the Dursleys, just as I was by my muggle father, and he was by the muggle orphanage staff." Harry locks emerald green high-beam eyes on Severus Snape, and he and Snape come to a mind-to-mind silent understanding - without violence, Dumbledore will be stopped, but only after they uncover Dumbledore's plan.

"Harry, would it bother you if we have fun at the Headmaster's expense while we unravel his plan for Wizarding Britain's domination? He's caused me a lot of pain, and as the Muggles say, Payback is a BITCH." Harry smiles shyly as he giggles, 'cause Snape just used a curse word, and he's never heard one that hasn't been directed at himself. "Sir, that sounds great. Will we get to see Dumbledore wet his pants, because I'd really like to see that", Harry whispers, because he's never had a partner in crime before, but mostly, fresh off his own incontinence, he wanted to see Dumbledore standing in a puddle of pee.

"Wetting his pants will be just the beginning of his comeuppance, Harry, and I promise you, you will have a front row seat. For now, we must pretend to be enemies. Dumbledore has eyes everywhere, and I believe Miss Granger will be the next pair added to his collection. Tell her nothing of importance, but feel free to mislead her. Come see me again at Halloween, I believe the Headmaster will try something then. And keep your eyes open around "Professor" (readers will just have to imagine the air quotes Snape gestured) Quirrell, Dumbledore chose that dunce for a reason, I just haven't discovered it yet." The Professor hands Harry a small, pre-printed parchment - a pass to present to the professor of Harry's next class. "Be off with you, and make sure you look cowed, I have an image to maintain." With a swirl of robes, Snape exits dramatically, while Harry traipses off to his next class, worshipping the ground Snape stalks upon. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Trolls and Turbans and Nosebleeds, Oh My!

Summary:

Halloween is here, what happens next to Harry, Severus, and the back of Quirrell's turban? Let's read and see.

Notes:

No money being made, can't stress that enough.

Harry was just helping himself to a baked potato when Professor Quirrell came sprinting into the hall, his turban askew and terror on his face. Everyone stared as he reached Professor Dumbledore's chair, slumped against the table, and gasped, "Troll — in the dungeons — thought you ought to know." (JKR, Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone)

He then face-planted on the highly polished floor and broke his nose, because the little creep deserved it after setting a full-grown Mountain troll on a school full of underage witches and wizards.

Harry Potter glanced at his lacking-in-minimal-intelligence pal, Ron Weasley, and noticed that the know it all Granger girl was not sitting next to him. Harry felt the eyes of his personal superhero, Severus Tobias Snape, boring a hole into his back. He turned and caught Snape gesturing to him, then to Professor Quirrell, and then did his best baby mallard impression, quickly falling in step behind the swirling, inky black robes. They stopped right where blood was pooling by Quirrell's face. "Get up, you useless excuse for a wizard, and tell me where you planted that odiferous beast", Snape growled at the sad sack of excrement that Dumbledore hired as this year's candidate for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post.

If the proper defense for the Dark Arts were to cave in immediately, then Quirinus Quirrell was the perfect Professor, Harry mused, as he looked to Professor Snape for direction. "If you want to leave the Great Hall amongst the living, you will get your sorry arse up and direct me to that Troll!", bellowed Snape, who really had no time to waste on squirrel shit. "Sn-sn-Snape", the bloody-nosed, sniveling weenie stuttered, "how would I know where the tr-tr-troll went?"

"Drop the innocent, naive Professor crap, you are a Ravenclaw who did graduate studies in Albania, studying Eastern European trolls, if anyone can hide a troll in a school, it's you. Where. Is. It?", Snape demanded.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Snape, he's near Moaning Myrtle's girls room. The Granger girl is hiding in there. You get the girl, I'll banish the troll, and we can forget this unpleasantness ever happened", the back of Quirrell's turban sneered, in a dead-on impression of Quirrell. "You forget that all of Hogwarts has witnessed this chat", remarked Snape, who wondered how Quirrell replied when his lips definitely were NOT moving.

"Do you want Granger to be Troll chow? Get the know it all girl and let me deal with the fools in the Great Hall", the back of Quirrell's turban commanded (c'mon, we all know it's Voldemort, but it's called foreshadowing, bit - oops, witches). The wizard riding on the back of Quirrell's head, sharing the turban, obliviated the population of the Great Hall, leaving Snape and Harry to rescue Granger. Clearly a Troll would not rid Voldemort of one pesky boy who lived, he would need to be crafty.

"Professor Snape, why did Professor Quirrell put a Troll inside Hogwarts?", Harry queried, as the Professor escorted Hermoine and Harry back to the Gryffindor tower. "And how did he speak without his lips moving?", he added, totally ignoring Hermoine as she waved her hand in the air, trying to show off by answering Harry's first question. "Stop your ceaseless arm-waving and let me answer, Miss Granger. Those are both excellent questions, Mister Potter, questions that we will have to address at a later date. I will send you an owl before the winter holidays , so that we may discuss this further. Do not trust Professor Quirrell, do not allow yourself to be alone with him, and avoid attracting the attention of the Headmaster, he has Quirrell here for a reason, and it somehow involves you. Off you go, Potter, I need a word, alone, with Miss Granger". Hermoine preened as she basked in her perceived importance. The poor, delusional girl.

As Harry tumbled through the Fat Lady's portrait, Severus Snape aimed his wand at Hermoine Granger, whispering Obliviate, before turning on his heel and stalking away to the dungeons, leaving Hermoine wondering why she was standing outside the Fat Lady's portrait, alone, friendless, and hungry.

Notes:

Snarry authors RULE! 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Now is the Winter of Dumbledore's Dishonesty, an Invisibility Cloak Interlude

Summary:

Harry and Severus get the first inklings of the depths of depravity to which Dumbledore will sink to rid the world of Voldemort, without dirtying his own hands. Read along as the Not Very Light at ALL Headmaster reveals his motivation for offing the Dark Wizard that he himself created, and it isn't for the good of Wizarding Britain. And see how Severus uses an unforgivable curse on Petunia Dursley so she goes out and buys a Teddy Ruxpin, a Furby, and a Cabbage Patch Snack Time Kid. And please, totally forget the 8 month time skip the author made today, she has Obliviated the characters of this little tale, so let's assume y'all have been as well.

Notes:

If I were being paid for this, which I've repeatedly sworn that I'm not, I'd owe you all a refund, as, earlier today, I plopped Harry in Second Year before Harry's Smackdown of Quirrell's Turban. I plead sleep deprivation. Although after I post this Chapter, this parody will again be in chronological order. I again plead sleep deprivation, and a critical shortage of Mint M&Ms.

Chapter Text

Harry awoke on Boxing Day with a start, struggling under the sinewy coils of a softly hissing serpent. "Wake up, little man cub, for the Human He-bat of the Jungle requires the presence of you, and your camouflage coat, in his dungeon lair", Nagini sibilantly whispered. "Who are you?", Harry whispered to the unidentified snake squashing his chest, "because last time I checked, this wasn't 'The Jungle Book', I'm not Mowgli, you're not Kaa, Professor Snape is not Baloo, and the author here, well she's certainly not Rudyard Kipling, nor JKR, for that matter", Harry finished, in a totally cheeky manner, violating the fourth wall as he cracked wise.

"I am Nagini, Voldemort's snake. I love my Master, but he was ruined by the Headmaster before he even left Hogwarts. He made poor Tom kill his own family. He was never the same after that. But that's not important. The He-bat has been called to see that evil Bumblebore, you need to go and meet up with him, and you will follow him under that cloak. And lose the bunny slippers, Thumper, the ears will peak out from under it", Nagini chuckled at her unintentional Disney reference.

Harry was confused. "Does Snape even speak Parseltongue?", he queried. "I'm multilingual, like all magical serpents", Nagini replied, "now make haste to the dungeons, while I return to my underground den". With that, the she-snake slithered off into the darkness. Nagini's command was like an order, and Harry high-tailed it to the dungeons, cloak in hand.

Snape was already waiting for little wizard orphan boy when Potter arrived. "Potter, hide under that cloak and follow me up to the Headmaster's office, silently. It is imperative that you not be heard. Professor Dumbledore has invited me to Boxing Day 'Tea', a yearly tradition when the Headmaster liberally spikes his tea with whisky, and spills all manner of secrets, with no memory of it the following day. I intend to use all the tricks of the spy trade to uncover his plans for you, me and the Dark Lord, and he'll be none the wiser", Severus Snape informed Harry, robes billowing as they walked. Harry struggled to keep up, but kept close by, not wanting to disappoint his idol, Severus Snape, Super Wizard.

After uttering "edible wax lips" to the gargoyle in front of the staircase, they silently rode up the rotating staircase, Harry lost in thoughts of Man bats, flying him far away from the Dursleys. "Enter, my boy", the Headmaster called, as Harry followed the Potions Master into the office. "Tea, or something stronger, young man", Dumbledore offered. Knowing that a clear head was essential during this fact finding mission, Snape chose tea, surreptitiously scanning for added substances before cautiously taking a sip. Dumbledore nattered on endlessly, about ghosts, and Quidditch, and as Dumbledore kept filling his cup from his hip flask, his lips got looser.

The discussion got a whole lot more interesting after the fifth cup of doctored tea. "Now Voldemort, my boy, he was my greatest manipulation. Wizarding Britain has a pitifully short attention span, and even shorter long term memory. While Grindelwald was coming into power, I was planning not only his downfall, but his replacement, and my end game. Every hero needs a villain, my boy, and the poor orphan Riddle boy was just waiting to be exploited. I could only ride on the coat tails of Grindelwalds's defeat for a few years, before my fame faded into obscurity. I planted the idea of Muggle inferiority in Riddle's brain during my visit to the Muggle orphanage. I planted a Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, and convinced Tom that it was Salazar Slytherin's weapon, to rid Hogwarts of Muggleborns. I planted the suggestion that he must avenge his Mother's death by killing his Muggle relatives by beginning of his sixth year. And I planted the idea of Horcruxes, so that I could continue on as the Vanquisher of the resurrected Voldemort every time my popularity waned", Dumbledore slurred, while Snape was picking his jaw off the floor. "What of the Prophecy? The Potters? Harry Potter? The Order of the Phoenix?", Snape mumbled, as Harry was shaking under the cloak.

"The Prophecy was a LIE, it was a plot hatched between me and Trelawney. I knew you were there, and I planned for you to run to your Master with it. The Death of the Potters was my plan, planted in Riddle's brain, and Pettigrew led him to them on my orders, after I Imperioed his arse. The Potters were unwilling victims of the nonexistent Light, cementing Tom's role as a villain, and you as my spy. Poor Snape, spying for me, and protecting the spawn of your worst enemy and your dearest friend. Obviously, Harry wasn't supposed to survive. His dratted survival made me change my plans. Because of that, Harry has to kill the next incarnation of Voldemort. If he doesn't kill Quirrell and the brain hitchhiker that is this year's model of Voldemort by the end of this year, then Voldemort is scheduled to resurrect again in three years time, after I line up a few of my proverbial ducklings in a row. Then, Harry himself is scheduled to kill him at the end of his seventh year here. I will convince him that he has to walk to his death by allowing Riddle to kill him, while I hide and deliver the death blow to Voldemort. And the Order, they are my mindless, woefully ignorant minions, convinced I am the Keeper of the Light, whose real purpose is to keep my arse out of Azkaban. Oh, and get this, I am going to send Harry on a fool's errand, to find the Horcruxes, which he'll never find, during what would be his seventh year. The Horcruxes will be there whenever I need a fresh injection of the adulation of the Wizarding public. A perfect plan, if I say so myself. But you must not be allowed to keep this knowledge, my boy..."

Before Dumbledore could draw his wand, Severus Snape, Superhero Wizard extraodinaire, wordlessly AND wandlessly Oblivated the Headmaster, before grabbing a shaking, soaked from the waist down Boy Who Trembled, and apparating both of them to Snape's dungeon quarters, because HOGWARTS HERSELF deemed Snape as far more honorable than the Evil Incarnate masquerading as a children's educator. Let Dumbledore wonder why there's a huge puddle of urine on his office floor.

Quirrell would have to be told. Whatever Dumbledore had planned for Harry at the end of the school year, Snape knew it involved : Quirrell/Voldemort and the Turban; the three headed Dog guarding to trapdoor, all leading down to the Nerd Obstacle Course guarding the Philosopher-Stone bearing Mirror of Erised. Tom Riddle, aka Voldemort might be a total tool, and a more than a wee bit murdery, but even a Dark Lord could thwart his own evil plans to bring down the pure unadulterated evil that robbed Tom Riddle of the hope for a normal life.

Removing his cloak, Harry uttered the following plea - "Professor, you won't let the Headmaster kill me, will you? He made Voldemort kill his own parents. Please protect me. I'll clean all of your cauldrons whenever you ask, if you help me stay alive. And could you dry my pants and undershorts, please, my bits are beginning to chafe". Harry let out a sigh of relief as his clothing was dried and deodorized. "Mister Potter, when I promised to keep you safe, I meant it, even if the deranged coot did not. When you next meet Voldemort, I will be with you. Now, I need to write your Aunt Petunia a letter. I need her to send you a Teddy Ruxpin, a Furby, and a Snack and Play Cabbage Patch kid", Snape uttered, as he began searching through a Potions reference book, looking for Imperio ink, an ink that compelled the reader to obey written commands. "My Aunt has never bought me a toy in her life, she won't send them", Harry whinged. "The request will be written with Imperio ink, she will comply, and with After Christmas sales, her inner shopper will not be able to resist the sales", Snape reassured Harry. "Bring those Muggle toys to me, when they arrive, what I don't use, you may keep".

"Oh, and Harry, feel free to confide in Nagini, she won't hurt you. She knows all about Dumbledore, she wants Tom Riddle back to normal. And please, keep Miss Granger and Mister Weasley misinformed at all times. You may go. If I need a cauldron washer, I'll owl you." With that, Snape strutted into his office, leaving Harry in awe. If Snape got his Aunt to buy Harry toys, that would be proof positive that Snape was a perfect paragon of Princely virtue. Harry was looking forward to the beginning of term. He'd never seen a Furby.

Two weeks later, after the students returned from their holiday break, the post owls dropped three large packages onto Harry's bacon and eggs. Hermione scrambled to reach them, but Harry grabbed them before she had the chance. "Get your nosy face out of my things, Hermione, before I tell Weasley you love him", Harry growled, just as Professor Snape arrived to relieve Harry of his packages. "Twenty points to Gryffindor, Potter, for timely relinquishing those packages, and ten points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger, for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.". Hermione stormed from the Great Hall, looking for Ron. She didn't love Ron, she just needed him to make her look smart.

The term flew by. Teddy Ruxpin and The Snack and Play Cabbage Patch Kid were given back to Harry after the first full week of term. Harry was dying to know what Snape wanted to do with a Furby, but after their tea with Dumbledore, he decided that maybe ignorance was best. Classes and Quidditch kept Harry plenty busy, although he made time to chat with Nagini, who was appalled by Dumbledore's evil plans. She vowed to assist Harry and Snape anyway she could.

With the end of term fast approaching, Snape and Harry set an enchanted boom box next to Fluffy, who was soon chilling to some LL Cool J while the wizards made it down the trap door and through the obstacle course, until they stood face to Turban with Voldemort. "Listen, Tom, you can beg for the stone all you want, but it all boils down to this. Dumbledore made you evil. He had you make all those Horcruxes, so that death of one of your soul fragments does not prevent him from defeating you again, as soon as his popularity wanes. He wants you to get the stone, so that he can have the stone. After Harry kills Quirrell with his Mother's protective love, Albus will take the stone from him, and kill the both of you. Or he'll wait until Harry's fourth year, and at the end of that year, he'll kill you both. There is no plan of Dumbledore's that allows either of you to live", Snape concluded.

"What would you have me do, Severus?", Voldemort asked. "Destroy the mirror, thus destroying the stone; leave Quirrell voluntarily, and enter the Wizard-enchanted Furby I've prepared to carry your soul. Find Nagini, and let her take care of you. Leave Harry be, and somehow, can you send Malfoy's elf, Dobby, to watch over Harry during the Summer? The Dursleys have horribly mistreated him", Snape answered.

"I will do as you ask, but I have yet to be convinced that all you tell me is truth. We will speak again in September, I must master the use of my new receptacle.".

After the Mirror was destroyed, Snape pulled the enchanted Furby from his robes. Harry stifled a laugh, while Voldemort slid out of Quirrell's head and into the cutesy, electronic child's toy. The toy could fly after Voldy possessed it, so it flew off, in search of Nagini.

Quirrell snapped to full consciousness and retired to his quarters, until such time that his further usefulness to the plot is determined. All Dumbledore knew is that he no longer saw Quirrell, while he saw plenty of Harry. Fourth year Voldemort plan it would have to be.

Thus endeth Chapter Three, and there was great rejoicing. Yay. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 : A Flying Furby This Way Passes Summary:

So, Harry is a second year, Voldemort is a Furby, and the Basilisk awakens. And Dumbledore is a colossal jerk! And why does Ginny have a Tickle Me Elmo?

Notes:

Oh, how I wish I made money on this, but I can't, so I don't. JKR owns the Potterverse, I just parody the crap out of it!

Deep in the bowels of Hogwarts, Nagini guards the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, who is sleeping because of a very long acting snakey Draught of the Living Dead, which Voldy dosed it with when he asked Dumbledore for the DADA post. The draught is due to wear off sometime during Harry's second year. Dumbledore knows this, and gleefully waits for its awakening. What better way to hone Harry's skills than to slay a Basilisk, while saving Ginny Weasley from a 17 year old Voldemort. He made sure Professor Sprout had plenty of Mandrakes, just in case things went pear-shaped. He had Imperioed Ludicrous Malfoy at the last Hogwarts Board of Governors meeting, all Malfoy had to do was drop Tom Riddle's Diary into Ginny Weasley's cauldron. Before he could do so, a flying, demonic furry toy flew directly into Malfoy's face, screaming gibberish while snatching the diary from Voldy's left hand man's left hand. Dumbledore was thwarted without his knowledge. Stupid Dumbledore!

Harry hears the Basilisk awaken, pining for his supper, as Harry is signing autographs for that Legend in his Own Mind, Gilderoy Lockhart. Nagini threatens to slip it one of Hagrid's roosters dosed with the ever so dangerous Draught of Actual Death, if it doesn't shut up and just eat the rats in the Chamber of Secrets. The Basilisk agrees, on the condition that Nagini procure, and install, a self-replenishing rotisserie chicken dispenser in the Chamber of Secrets, which she does post-haste, because she has one eighth of Voldy's soul, which makes her omnipotent. Luckily for all of humankind, Nagini had zero aspirations of world domination.

Ginny, having never received the Diary with the Horcrux, believes she is dating Harry Potter, but it actually is a Tickle Me Elmo Doll she carries around, which is controlled by Peeves and cackles "I see London, I see France, I see McGonagall's underpants", and she is sooo burnt - it is either a year's detention with Filch, replacing the urinal cakes in all of the boys rooms (which needed replacement daily, because Peeves had a 14 cake a day habit) or an involuntary vacation in St. Mungo's locked Adolescent Psych ward - alas, the choice is ripped from her Weasel-y little paws when she claims that she saw Peeves snacking on urinal cakes outside Moaning Myrtle's bathroom - her arse gets carted off to St. Mungo's faster than Mrs. Norris could hack up a furball.

Meanwhile, back in the dungeon, Nagini communicates with Voldy via the Furby he has possessed, (it was either the Furby, or that ponce Gilderoy Lockhart, and Voldemort would surrender to the Ministry dressed in a tutu before possessing that sorry excuse for a wizard). This makes it hard to take Voldy seriously, as he can only communicate in Furbish. Voldy owl orders "Housing your Evil Homunculus" by Igetta Nubody, from Wizarding , and directs Snape to the chapter "Rehoming the Fragmented Soul, Exorcise a Furby", so Severus could eventually return him to a newly transfigured human facsimile, handcrafted by the Potion Master.

Severus, having not been born yesterday, demands something from Voldemort in return for his shiny new body, that he listen to Nagini, as she tells Voldy a story. Severus had already given the lowdown to Nagini, through Harry, regarding Dumbledore's nefarious shaping of Dumbledore's Lost Boys - Dumbledore abandons Tom Riddle to an orphanage every summer, allowing the Muggle caretakers, and fellow children, to label him "Freak", and torment him. Snape is forced to return to home to the violently abusive Muggle Father, who cruelly beats Severus for being a magical freak. Harry is relentlessly punished, belittled and starved by the Dursleys, the worst Muggles imaginable, every summer, for continuing to exist, and continuing to be a Freaky Wizard.

Such blatant refusal to provide sanctuary from Muggle violence by Saint Dumbledore resulted in one Dark Lord, a Death Eater that Dumbledore kept thrusting into peril at the hand of said Dark Lord, and a frightened orphan that was being groomed, by repetitive acts of alienation of affection, to be the weapon created to destroy that Dark Lord, making Harry want to vanquish Voldy in order to please Dumbledore. Classic Daddy issues. And that didn't even address the fact that Dumbledore wanted Snape, Riddle and Potter DEAD.

When Nagini explained all of this to Furby Voldemort, something clicked inside Tom Riddle's fragmented mind, and his inner Wizard screamed "Aww, HELL NO!" The Dark Furby broke into a deafening, high-pitched, nonsensical rant in Medieval Furbish, which had never been heard before, by human or Wizard-kind, because - oh, shit, I don't know everything, ask Voldemort. Even better, ask Snape, because he does knows everything.

Anyway, the gist of it is that after some heated discussion, with Nagini translating, Voldemort would cease his plans to kill Harry, and work towards taking down the Headmaster. In return, Voldemort would get a new body, and help to free Sirius Black from Azkaban.

That's Harry's second year, sorted. On to Year Three - next time, there will be dialogue! If I feel so inclined. I guess. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Dogs, Wolves, and the Dog Days of Summer

Summary:

Things just get weirder for the Boy Who Lived. Harry turns his Aunt into a methane filled windbag, Sirius Black goes, incognito, to Spinners End; in a flashback, Hermoine spouts dirty poetry during Potions class, and Voldemort gets a shiny metal ass. Third year at Hogwarts has gone to the dogs. Woof.

Notes:  
Just how many times can I say that I write this purely for the chuckles? One more time, apparently.

Chapter Text

The evil toady of a Headmaster sent Harry back to the Dursleys for the summer horror days, knowing full well that Harry would be beaten by Dudley and Vernon, abused by Petunia far worse than Lucius Malfoy ever mistreated Dobby, and forced to subsist on table scraps scrounged from the dinner plates of the resident gluttons. Dumbledore wanted Potter to see Hogwarts as his only home, and the Headmaster as the benevolent benefactor, for whom Harry who gladly sacrifice his very life. His Basilisk-sized ego was eclipsed only by the depth of his delusions.

Harry's annual summer labor camp imprisonment was riddled with stories, on the telly and the radio, about an escaped murderer named Sirius Black. Professor Snape mentioned him once, while Harry was scrubbing cauldrons for the Potions Master. He called him Harry's dog father, and told Harry to be on the lookout for a huge, shaggy black dog that answered to the name of Scruffles. Snape told him to call for Dobby if he found him, and Dobby would take the dog to Snape's home at Spinner's End. Confused as to how he could have a dog father when he knew his parents were human, Harry agreed, but only after the Professor went into a long lecture about Animagi, that went so over his head that Harry agreed with him, just to end it.

This summer was further ruined by Vernon Dursley's she-walrus wind bag of a sister, Aunt Marge, and her aptly named terror of a bulldog, Ripper. After insulting Harry's character, stature, and pedigree for the hundredth time in five days, poor Harry had had enough, and accidentally-on purpose turned his Aunt into an actual windbag, which was methane powered, so he ran out of there, trunk and wand in hand, before she let one rip. As he ran, he hoped that the Dursleys had the good sense to blow out the candles at the table before old Marge cut loose, or 4 Privet Drive would go up in a mushroom cloud fueled by the bowel gases of the underworld.

Harry stopped, momentarily stunned, at Magnolia Crescent, when he locked eyes with the most badass canine he'd ever seen. If this dog were human, he'd be astride an equally badass motorcycle, dressed in leather and smoking a cigarette. He remembered a comment Hagrid made, when he brought Harry to Dumbledore, riding in a flying motorcycle, that fateful night he was left with the Dursley's. (Harry is the flippin' boy who lived, of course he remembers his forced exodus from Wizarding Britain.) He said he borrowed young Sirius Black's bike, in order to transport the young lad safely. Harry called out to Scruffles, who trotted over to him, and then called for Dobby. After making a huge fuss over Harry, Dobby conjured a collar and leash for the wizard/dog and "poof", the elf and the pseudo-pooch apparated out of sight.

Harry tripped over his feet as he made to leave his neighborhood, when a huge purple double decker bus screeched mere centimeters from his feet. A total dweeb named Stan Shunpike ushered him onto the bus, and after paying his fare, Harry totally zoned out. He was sure he was hallucinating, because beds on a bus were just plain weird. His bizarre ride ended at the Leaky Cauldron, where the Minister for Magic was waiting for him. The bombastic man in the green bowler hat went on and on about Sirius Black, while Harry did his best to appear totally ignorant as to his whereabouts. If this Cornelius Fudge character believed Black to be evil, then Harry realized the man must be full of Thestral poop. He agreed to stay away from one of only two people who truly had his best interests at heart, but he had his fingers crossed behind his back, so it didn't count.

Harry stayed at The Leaky Cauldron for the remainder of the summer, and had the dubious pleasure of meeting up with the Weasleys, and most distressingly, Hermione Granger. Mister Weasley also warned him about Sirius Black, and Harry once again feigned innocence.

Harry really liked the twins, because they saw Ron and Hermione for what they were. Ron was a doofus who looked to Hermione to explain the complex nature of Magic using only one syllable words and cartoonish diagrams, while Hermione basked in the adulation of the only wizard or witch who was not totally repulsed by her snobby attitude and her mission to be the brightest witch of all times. The twins took great pleasure in taking them both down a few pegs. The day they transformed her Potions text into a book of saucy limericks, with a read-aloud compulsion charm, was a particularly wonderful day.

It was the last day of class before exams. The class was reviewing the topics to be covered. Professor Snape asked Hermione to read page 378, paragraph 5, a passage comparing the properties of bezoar from goats versus those of porcupines. As clear as day, Hermione read,

"There once was a man from Nantucket,  
Whose dick was so long..."

"That will be quite enough, Miss Granger!", the professor growled as he snatched the book from her trembling hands. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, two weeks scrubbing bedpans, by hand in the infirmary, and for good measure"... Snape paused his diatribe as he searched for "Old Granny's Dirty Potty Mouth Fixer Elixir" in the many pockets of his voluminous robe. As he victoriously withdrew the bottle from its hiding place, he continued: "you will take this elixir, 2 tablespoons every 4 hours, until I am satisfied that your indecent sense of humor has been abolished."

Hermione's face was beet red, and she was utterly speechless, which was a minor miracle. Harry had to stifle a laugh, scrubbing portable potties to punish a potty mouth, his Superhero Professor was clever, possessed a fiendish sense of humor, and was intelligent, brave, and wise. "Was there nothing he couldn't do?", the young wizard pondered, as he squelched the urge to form the Severus Snape Superhero fan club, fearing that that might just tip off Dumbledore that his spy had defected.

Smiling while reminiscing on a true highlight of second year, Harry was yanked from his reverie by the sights and sounds of a ragged rat being hotly pursued by the kneazle-lynx hybrid, Crookshanks. As Hermione reclaimed her clearly wild animal, Ron coaxed his gnarley old rat from under the table (Excuse me, but aren't wild animals and vermin generally forbidden in a dining establishment? Or are wizards just immune to animal vector-induced, food borne illnesses nonexistent in the Wizarding world because of omnipresent magic? Sounds like a cop out if you ask me! - oops, my inner monologue got away from me there, I apologize most profusely, unless you find it funny.).

"I just can't get Crookshanks to calm down. You should secure your rat, so you don't get my cat all upset. He's got a delicate disposition.", Hermione whined most annoyingly.

"You should shoot that beast with a potion dart, and then tame that birds nest of a hair style, before Hagrid once again confuses you for Sasquatch and tries to trap you!", Ron snarled, before he realized Hermione would never let him copy her homework again, if he didn't immediately apologize.

Harry chose this moment to escape the traveling circus that is the Weasley clan, and return to his room, to pack for the Hogwarts Express, which was leaving for Hogsmeade tomorrow.

Twenty four hours later, Harry was chomping on chocolate, wondering why the hell dementors were on the train, and why he heard a woman screaming when they drew near. The new Professor, Remus Lupin, who had a freaking candy store in his suitcase but was dressed in shabby clothing, explained that Dumbledore had chosen them to guard the school against Sirius Black. He swore he heard the professor mumble "Why that crackpot geezer thinks that dementors would keep Sirius from his godson is beyond me". Harry realized that this new professor might just be another protector from the evil Headmaster. He would have to ask Professor Perfect Prince during his first detention.

Harry's detention would have to wait, the Potions Master had other concerns to deal with. Voldemort lacked his usual gravitas while flying around the Hogwarts dungeons, spouting furious gibberish that even Nagini only partially understood. He needed a new body, and he needed it yesterday.

Due to a pluck-up of stupendous proportions, the body Snape procured was that of a robot that appeared through a wormhole created in Potions class by Neville Longbottom's exploding cauldron. This body insisted that his name was Bender Bending Rodriguez, and immediately invited Snape to "Kiss my Shiny metal ass". After Voldemort merged with this automaton from the future, he spent long hours contemplating whether his death eater minions should exchange their shiny metal masks for glorious shiny metal ass plates, and the countless ways he could "kill all humans". He did manage to clear Sirius's name, most spectacularly. A magic-wielding futuristic robot with a gloriously shiny metal ass, had the Ministry of Magic collectively wetting their pants when Robot Voldy dropped a stupefied Peter Pettigrew into a cell in the DMLE headquarters, screaming "I'm back, Bitches", and apparating back to Snape's dungeons, 'cause that shiny metal ass, while glorious, was starting to chafe.

Not much else of importance happened third year, except for Remus Lupin and Sirius Black becoming housemates at 12 Grimmauld Place, and housing a runaway Hippogriff, Buckbeak, who was taunted by the other Hippogriffs for not eating the Malfoy brat. That inspired the two wizards to establish a Magical Beast Rescue, whose first resident was Crookshanks, who Hermione had been slipping magical tiger steroids. Hermione was expelled and her Magic bound, because the way she was going, she was going to be worse than Bellatrix Lestrange with PMS, if she wasn't stopped immediately.

Ron Weasley was finally discovered to be an actual Dunce, which is a creature inheritance that occurs when a witch or wizard successfully mates with a Danish troll, proving that there was a little bit of Danish Troll in the Weasley family Tree. Ron was relocated to the Thomas Dam Danish Troll collective, where he began a life of simple pleasures, crafting children's toys.

Note : A Danish troll is a very cute troll, small and not at all odiferous, who is venerated by children, aided by the production of vinyl children's toys with technicolor hair, which probably explains the Weasleys flaming red hair and reproductive talents. Like the Weasleys themselves, those Dam Trolls are EVERYWHERE!  
Oh, and Lupin taught Harry how to produce a Patronus, so that Harry had a way to remind Remus, every Full Moon, to take his Wolfsbane Potion. 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Quidditch Cup, the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Lieutenant Commander Voldemort, and Dumbledore's Packing a Sledgehammer!

Summary:

If I were to try to summarize this chapter, you would seriously wonder what I was smoking (nothing). You'll just have to read it yourself. Enjoy!

Notes:

No money being made here, much to the annoyance of my other half!

Chapter Text

A lazy, quiet night at the Burrow was shattered by the sudden apparition of a gleaming metal, futuristic automaton with a gloriously reflective ass. Seriously, that ass was so stupendous that Arthur Weasley, who knew superior Muggle engineering when he saw it, begged this marvelous metal man to "Holy Mother of Merlin, take me to your leader!". Bender Voldemort wisely declined ordering the Weasley patriarch to bite his shiny metal ass, for fear that he might actually do so. "Arthur Weasley, cease your groveling and listen to me. Take these tickets for the Quidditch World Cup - there are enough for you, your entire litter, except for your daughter, because she's cray cray, Hermione Granger, because I have something special planned for her, and Harry Potter. They're box seats, because Ludicrous Malfoy and his anemic spawn need the comeuppance. Fetch Potter from those horrible Muggles and bring him here!", Bendermort demanded, as he pondered taking Lord Bendermort as his new, shiny metal name.

The day of the Quidditch World Cup arrived. It was decided that the Twins would fetch the Boy Who Lived, but only after Arthur Weasley divested the two houligans of all their magical candies, tricks, and incendiary devices. The magnificent metal man ordered Arthur Weasley to do so, as there was no time to reverse any retaliatory hex, jinx, or magical malady that the terror twins might inflict upon the Dursleys.

There was a needlessly long trek, by foot, to the portkey that would be transporting the Weasleys, Hermione, Harry, and Cedric "heartthrob" Diggory, and his Dad, Amos Diggory to the campgrounds outside of the Quidditch pitch. Lots of nifty-keeno Wizarding tents were pitched as far as the eye could see, but the Weasley clan, they were unimpressed, because Victor Krum was playing for Bulgaria, and although it was neither shiny, nor metal, Victor Krum had a mighty fine ass. Naughty Weasleys!

The Quidditch World Cup happened, but the Dark Mark never appeared, because Robot Voldy apparated next to Winky in the stands, took back Harry's wand (Harry and Bendermort are friends now, because the robot from the world of tomorrow has broadened Harry's arsenal of snarky one liners and cuss words), and convinced a scared-shitless Barry Crouch to take a chill pill or be emasculated. Barty Crouch wisely chose not to become Barty Crotchless.

Ron Weasley almost became the second Weasley to take up residence in St. Mungo's, after nearly falling from the stands, trying to fly like a Veela. Hermoine actually fell, as she was clutching Ron's waistband, claiming he was embarrassing Hogwarts with his antics (10 points to Gryffindor for heroics, 5 million points from Gryffindor for failing to understand the Law of Gravity). She got placed in the Moaning Myrtle Pavilion at St. Mungo's, where she was often heard mumbling "Cat, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance", way before cat videos on YouTube were even a thing.

The TriWizard tournament happened, and Cedric won the cup, even though his crooked smile was no match for Victor Krum's magnificent gluteus maximus. 'Nuff said.

The Real Mad Eye Moody taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he was just as cool as the Fake Moody, right down to turning Draco Malfoy into a ferret. Unlike the reign of the Fake Moody, McGonagall agreed that Malfoy, Jr. made a most excellent ferret, and he remained in that form until Snape reversed the spell, only after he grew tired of tripping over the little mustelid whenever he entered the Slytherin Common Room.

Severus Snape, realizing that he could do nothing to influence a megalomaniac robot with an unhealthy ass fixation, hell-bent on human extinction, sent an owl to Harry Potter, requesting his presence in the dungeon. Snape would have to create a new body for Lord Bendermort. He would use a half pint of Harry Potter's blood, freely given (it was nearly time for Hogwarts annual "Save the Vampires" blood drive, he could easily procure Harry's donation with no one the wiser), some hair from the human Lord Voldemort's hairbrush (Snape swiped it from Riddle Manor after a death eater meeting, sick to death of the Death Eaters cracking wise about the Potions Master's hair), Quirrell's weenie, involuntarily given, as he wasn't using it, but mostly because Voldy had despised being trapped under that damned turban, and a complex potion that was bubbling away in a jacuzzi-sized cauldron.

A short while later, the shiny metal robot was tossed into the cauldron, ass plate first, followed by the blood, the hair sample, Quirrell's weenie, and a whole lotta hand waving that Harry was convinced was purely for show, and out popped a red-eyed, silver skinned clone of Lieutenant Data from Star Trek, the Next Generation. As he passed Lieutenant Commander Voldemort a set of Wizarding robes, Snape wondered whether he should have just used the ass plate, instead of the whole robot.

"I fail to see the logic behind the torture of countless Muggles and Muggle-borns, when my sole aim in life is to be a real boy, with real Muggle emotions", the latest incarnation of the Dark Lord whinged, as much as an android can whinge, that is. "Holy Macaroni, Batman, you've transformed Bendermort into some weird combination of First Officer Spock, Pinocchio, and Marvin the Muggle, all wrapped up in my least favorite Star Trek, the Next Generation character", exclaimed Harry, using those tv, movie and print media cultural references to illustrate the depth of his disappointment.

"Cease your complaining, young man, and escort The Dark Lord to my chambers. The password is Emerald Eyes. Do not answer the door, or accept any floo calls, until I return. That includes you, too, Lieutenant Dark Data!", Snape snarled, as he strode off to the Headmaster's Office. He was going to tell one whopper of a lie to convince Dumbledore that this android was indeed the Second Coming of Voldemort, when Snape knew damn well it was his Fourth.

Harry Potter, who knew that Lieutenant Commander Datamort was a far better Dark Lord than the one who took his parents from him, decided he was going to keep his trap shut about the Fourth Coming of the Dark Android. Although Datamort failed to understand the need for anti-Muggle violence, he certainly understood the need for anti-Headmaster total annihilation, but as he was now a born-again pacifist, he knew he could only condone the destruction of Dumbledore by Dumbledore's own two hands.

Upon his return from Dumbledore's office, Snape, Datamort and Harry had a meeting of the minds. Lots of legilimency rays bounced between the three most powerful wizards in Britain. Snape reported, telepathically, that Dumbledore had been hunting enchanted Muggle toys, especially Furbys, seeking to destroy Voldemort with a sledgehammer. That the Headmaster totally missed a full year of Bendermort confirmed, to all present, that Dumbledore had officially fallen off his rocker.

Snape warned Harry that Dumbledore had put a contract out on him, with vampires, dementors and trolls vying for the 50 thousand galleon reward. It was decided that Harry would return home with Dobby, under a notice me not charm, so that Harry could apparate to Spinner's End at a moments notice. It was further decided that Voldy would teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, where the students would learn peaceful resistance via smear campaigns against the Headmaster in The Quibbler, while Harry and Snape were left to form an underground resistance, which will be revealed in the next chapter, because it ain't fifth year yet!

Later, Dudes and Dudettes! Or is it Dater, Ludes and Ludettes - aw, shit, who unleashed my inner monologue, AGAIN? Oh well, that's what I get for finishing the previous chapter at 3:45 a.m., and finishing this one 12 hours later, on an empty stomach. I'm gonna find me some food! Catch you on the flip side! 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Dementors in Suburbia, Voldemort is a Comedian, Harry Faces Expulsion, and Classes Haven't Even Started!

Summary:

Dementors have arrived on Privet Drive. Harry is facing expulsion. The Flying Ford Angelia makes an appearance. Harry crushes on Snape, but Harry's too young, and has not come into his creature inheritance. There's a hearing, Lucius Malfoy is Harry's attorney, and Fudge saves the day. All this, and term hasn't even started. Oh, my!

Notes:

I can't seem to stop writing this, and yet all this writing still has no monetary rewards. It never will. This is JKR's playground, I'm having fun on the swings. Whee!

Chapter Text

The deafening quiet in the dungeon lair of Hogwarts' very own Batman, Severus Badass Snape, was shattered by the sudden arrival of the Robin to his Batman, Harry the Boy Wonder Who Lived. He was accompanied by Dobby, the sycophantic house elf, and a very confused example of overindulgent parenting , the Muggle walrus known as Dudley Dursley. Dudley currently was as pale as Nearly Headless Nick and as eloquent as the Great Squid. Dobby had the foresight to shrink all of Harry's belongings and bring them along. That becomes important later. Foreshadowing, or just lazy writing?

"I was hanging out at the playground, trying hard not to be seen, when these two dementors showed up in my very neighborhood. There was no way I was letting them suck out my soul. I knew that Uncle Vernon would kill me if his precious Duddy Diddikins lost what passes for his soul, so I cast my Patronus. I think my neighbor, Mrs Figg, saw the whole thing. Dobby, who was disguised as a fire hydrant, portkeyed us here", Harry told the none too pleased Potion Master, who really despised being interrupted during the subtle science and exact art of craft brewing artisinal beer.

Ignoring Snape's trademark sneer, Harry turned his attention to Dobby. "I'm so sorry those dogs peed all over you, Dobby, and I promise you, I'll make sure that Moony and Padfoot never relieve themselves on you again. Go see Madame Pomfrey, she'll clean you up", Harry stated, as he tried not to gag from the fumes. Snape was glad he had the foresight to cast an impermeable stasis charm on his Microbrew, because that elf's stink was making Snape's eyes water. The admixture of the urine of non magical dogs, Animagus micturation (fancy word for pee), and werewolf wee wee made the unholy brew the elf was wearing unsuitable for potion use, therefore the dungeon bat dismissed Dobby with a wave of his hand.

By this time, the racket in the dungeons had coaxed the appearance of Lieutenant Commander Voldemort, aka Datamort. "I sense a disturbance in the dungeons, involving three humanoid life forms, one of whom is doused in urine, no doubt in some ritualistic fashion,", commented Lieutenant Commander Obvious, who only escaped a verbal smackdown because of the pressing need to rid the dungeon of Dudley Dursley.

"Why is Potter here, and why is his dangerously obese cousin with him? We must dispatch him to the Dursleys before his Evilness catches wind of his presence, when the old coot's Muggle detectors go off. Champion of Muggleborns and Muggles, my totally functional android ass", Datamort exclaimed, as he delivered his first successful wisecrack, referencing both ST:TNG and Futurama simultaneously. He was well on his way to mastering Muggle Sci-Fi and the art of cracking wise.

As satisfying as Datamort finding his muse was to all assembled, there remained the problem of the Dursley spawn. "Harry, I'm sorry, you will have to escort your cousin back to the tender mercies of your Aunt and Uncle", murmured Snape, who saw no way out of the reprimand Harry would receive for doing under age magic.

"Pardon the interruption, Severus, but I have a plan. Harry, are you up for a little fun at your cousin's expense?, the Dark Android queried. Harry eagerly nodded his head in agreement, and Datamort continued. "Since Dudley has been nothing but a, what's the Muggle expression, 'big old weenie' to you, we are going to dress him as one - propeller beanie, horn rimmed glasses two sizes too big, and a full body hotdog costume. I will Imperio him to sing "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener...", over and over, until his parents crack and throw him in the closet under the stairs". "That's perfect", Harry exclaimed, "but what about the underage magic?", he asked, just as a huge eagle owl rested on his shoulder, carrying a Ministry howler. It went off before Harry could claim it, literally scaring the proverbial shit out of the raptor.

"Harry Potter, a Patronus was recently seen in your neighborhood., in direct violation of our laws. You are to cease your unauthorized use of magic immediately. I don't care if a whole hoard of dementors were waltzing down Privet Drive, that is no excuse for flouting the Decree for the Use of Underage Magic. There will be a disciplinary hearing in the Great Hall at Hogwarts in two weeks time. Failure to appear will result in the confiscation of your wand and bare-bottom public caning in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. Being found guilty has the same consequences, followed by the snapping of your wand and the Incendioing of its pieces. Are we clear, Mister Potter?

Enjoy what remains of your wizardhood,

Mafalda Hopkirk, life-long supporter of Dumbledore

P.S. - as the Muggles say, 'Your Ass is Grass!' "

Harry nearly wet his pants, before Severus turned to Harry, and silently reassured him that he, Datamort and the reformed Death Eaters would have his back. He also wondered to himself, what is this sudden ass fixation that seems to be permeating Wizarding Britain?

After Dobby was medicinally power-washed, he apparated Harry and Dudley to the Dursleys, and disguised himself as a Muggle garden gnome, waiting to whisk Harry, and his belongings, back to safety with an untraceable portkey. Harry rang the bell, and ran like hell when Uncle Vernon answered the door. Dobby handed Harry the Furby that was once Voldemort, and his trunk, which the size of a tiny toy car, and he and his belongings were whisked away to the Weasley's garden shed at the Burrow.

"What the actual Fudge is going on here?", Harry screeched, as he and his shrunk trunk were unceremoniously deposited in the front passenger seat of a Flying Ford Anglia. "Language, Mister Potter, and buckle up, we're going for a ride!", Snape answered, while inserting the keys in the ignition. As he turned the keys, the engines roared to life, sounding very much like a real roaring lion. "How totally Gryffindor", the Potion Master sneered, before guiding the Ford Anglia into the clear, moonlit night.

"Before you begin peppering me with questions, Arthur Weasley is now on our side, ever since you saved his Dunce son from falling to his death by grabbing his underwear band. The memory of the atomic wedgie he received should prevent a further such episode, now that the eldest Weasel is dating a Veela. Arthur figured he owed you his allegiance. I have taught him and the entire Weasley Collective, Occlumency, so the Evil Old Coot can't control their thoughts or actions. He has placed spying wards throughout the Burrow, I haven't had the chance to remove them without his knowledge. Until they are removed, anything of importance has to be discussed in this car, while it cruises the night sky.

You will stay with the Weasleys until you board the Hogwarts Express. Arthur will escort you to your hearing, we have obtained the services of Lucius Malfoy to defend you. He is devoted to Voldemort and his new path of passive aggression. He and his son will no longer bother you.  
Any communication can be sent via Dobby, as Dumbledore has taken to monitoring all owl traffic at Hogwarts. I trust I have covered all your questions?, Snape queried, as he noticed Harry's glazed expression and flushed cheeks. "This can't be good" the dungeon bat pondered, while his inner child chortled with glee as it squealed "Harry's got a crush on you".

Harry mumbled something like "You're making my jeans tight, stop being so sexy", while he resolutely stared at a nonexistent hole in the car's upholstery. "I asked you a question, Potter", Snape snapped, because Severus Snape was many things, but a seducer of underage boys he was most decidedly NOT. Harry meekly mumbled "No sir", and Snape turned the car around and went coasting towards the terra firma of the Weasley home.

Note : Come Harry's eighteenth birthday, when the boy comes into his creature inheritance, all bets will be off, because unbeknownst to Harry, and VERY beknownst to Snape, Harry is his eternal soulmate. That is the way of the Veelacorns, the über-rare race of Human/Unicorn/Dark Veela tribrids. They have gleaming, coal black hair, fur, tails and wings, the body of a centaur, and single, shiny golden horns that rise majestically from their foreheads. They come into their inheritance when their soulmate reaches their eighteenth birthday, and every single one of them, while awkward, even ugly as juveniles, are drop dead gorgeous when mature. Until then, they are celibate, not always by choice. Now, back to the narrative.

The Ford Anglia drifted itself back to the Burrow's garden shed. Both wizards swiftly disembarked, trying to shake off their awkwardness. "Well then, Mister Potter, I will see you two weeks hence, at your hearing. Try not to worry, and if you find yourself doing so, complete your summer assignments. The wards around the Burrow will be monitoring your activity, and when our Headmaster sees you studying, it will irk him, which will destabilize him further. Malfoy Senior can use that instability during your hearing." With that, the Professor disapparated from the shed, leaving Harry alone, frustrated and confused.

"Snape is not sexy", Harry mumbled as he exited the shed, willing his trouser tightness to cease. "Sure he's not", his inner child responded, "you just keep telling yourself that, while his velvety bass baritone voice has you thinking things you don't even know the words for." Harry decided, as he made into the Weasley's kitchen, that the first thing he'd do when he next saw Lieutenant Commander Voldemort was to ask if were possible to occlude his inner voice. That little bastard had to be stopped.

The day of the hearing arrived, and Harry was escorted to the Great Hall by the Weasley Patriarch. Dumbledore was seated in his throne, in the center of the teacher's table, dressed in his loudest robes, clearly hoping these robes would inject some fear into the Boy Who Lived to Be a Thorn in Headmaster's Side. The entire faculty was also seated, although Dumbledore failed to tell them why they were assembled. All discussion stopped when the young wizard entered the hall.

Albus Dumbledore rose from his throne. "So nice of you to join us, Mister Potter, please take a seat next to your Ministry-appointed lawyer, Lucius Malfoy.", Dumbledore boomed, filling the hall with his pompous voice. He smiled to himself, enjoying the power he wielded. He was convinced he'd have Harry expelled, and his wand broken, by lunch. Lucius was a well-known tool of the Ministry, and definitely not a Potter supporter, and the Ministry of Magic revered the old Wizard, or so Albus believed.

"Mister Harry James Potter has been called here today because he has broken our law, violating the Decree for the Use of Underage Magic. Mister Potter, how do you plead?", Dumbledore yelled, despite casting a Sonorus before yelling, making most of those present flinch in their seats.

Lucius Malfoy was composed, and not flinching, as locked eyes with the Headmaster. "My client pleads not guilty. He was defending himself and his cousin from two dementors that were set loose in Surrey, Privet Drive, to be exact. And for the record, Albus, my old friend, it is against the law for a judge to Legilimize an attorney without their consent, please cease your attempt at once!

"Poppycock", bellowed Dumbledore, "there were no reports of dementors in Surrey", Albus sneered, "and I have no need to peer into your mind".

"Of course there weren't dementors reported, Headmaster. Muggles can't see dementors. You of all people should know that! But there was a witness."

"There were no witnesses, I made sure of that!", Dumbledore screeched, followed by the started gasps of all who were present.

"Dobby, my former house elf, was disguised as a fire hydrant and saw the incident in its entirety. Dobby, if you would be so kind?".

Dobby popped into the hall and began speaking. "My former Master, who is now a friend of Harry Potter and no longer a bad man, is telling truth to the Hogwarts Professors. Two dementors followed the wondrous Harry Potter and his blubbery cousin, and Harry, being a good wizard, made a stag leap from his wand, to chase the horrid things away. Dobby is telling the truth.", he said as he bowed to the professors.  
"Dumbledore is a bad, bad wizard for sending those things to steal Harry's soul - "

"I will have SILENCE, roared Cornelius Fudge, who arrived late to the proceedings. "I have spent the last two weeks reading reports, forwarded to me by the Muggle Prime Minister, of frozen trees, shrubs, and back gardens all along Privet Drive and Magnolia Crescent. All of Harry Potter's neighbors were affected, I hardly call that NO WITNESSES, Headmaster!", Fudge shouted.

"So the Boy Who Lived gets carte blanche to blast away at dementors, with no care at all that the Muggles can see him?", Albus snarled, as his hatred for the Potter boy was made clear to all assembled.

"The boy has a right to defend himself when his life is threatened, you old Coot, and you know that", snarled Minerva McGonagall, who wanted more than anything to go all feline, and scratch the old Geezer's eyes out!

"Headmaster Dumbledore, it appears that you unleashed two dementors on Surrey, in the heart of Muggle suburbia, to rid Hogwarts of Harry Potter, and the Wizarding World, its hero. It makes no sense. I would hope that it's the stress of your multiple roles that led you to this.  
Either you take a forced sabbatical in the St. Adolph's Delusional Megalomaniac Ward at St. Mungo's, or you will be stripped of all your titles and exiled from Hogwarts. Personally, I'd choose St. Adolph's.", Fudge decreed.

"But Voldemort, you need me to look out for Voldemort!", he cried, as two Mediwizards arrived to take Dumbledore to the locked St. Adolph's Ward.

Harry Potter chose this moment to speak. "Professor, Voldemort has been back for more than three years now. He hitched a ride at the back of Professor Quirrell's head during my first year, he was a Flying Furby all of my second year, he became a futuristic robot with a gloriously shiny metal ass during my third year. Since the end of last term, he's been a futuristic humanoid android who wants only to feel real emotions and to passively resist evil, one Quibbler interview at a time. He also wants to be a comedian. He's getting there. I gotta know, how did you miss him? He was all over the Daily Prophet when he delivered Peter Pettigrew to the Ministry and freed Sirius Black!"

"Pettigrew is in custody and Black is free? How did I not know this? Fetch me the Order of the Phoenix. Voldemort must be stopped - "  
The mediwizards stupefied the clearly psychotic Headmaster, and apparated him to St. Mungo's. Fudge immediately named Minerva McGonagall Headmistress of Hogwarts.

"Harry Potter, the charges have been dropped, please accept the Ministry's full apology. I came here today with the express purpose of dropping the charges. There was ample evidence to show that your entire neighborhood was in danger. Oh, and Mister Potter, the Muggle Prime Minister and I would like to commend you for your inspired return of the Dursley boy. His weenie costume was all over the local news. Those Dursleys have terrorized the neighbors for years, and seeing their comeuppance, greatly amused the entire neighborhood", Fudge concluded.

With that, the hearing was concluded. All this excitement, and Harry's fifth year had not yet begun. It should be a very interesting year. See you on the Hogwarts Express! 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Bouncing Budgies, Harry's Woody Problem, and Bellatrix is in Drag, Complete with Cray-cray Minions

Summary:

Highly illegal Australian Bouncing Budgies have been smuggled into Eeylop's Owl Emporium. The Unspeakables tell Kingsley Shacklebolt without uttering a sound, he tells Severus Snape, who does make a sound by telling Harry and Draco. Wizarding telephone, the game, at its finest. Harry has an embarrassing problem going on in his tightie whities, which is witnessed by Rita Skeeter, and Bellatrix Lestrange is prancing around St. Mungo's, masquerading as her cousin, Sirius Black. And finally, Lieutenant Commander Datamort has formed Dumbledore's Accusers, because that old coot has a lot to answer for.

Notes:

Lots of words done purely for the love of Snarrody.

Chapter Text

In three separate wards of St. Mungo's, two delusional witches and a very pissed-off wizard were plotting revenge against the wizards who'd done them wrong. In the Jan Brady Adolescent Existential Angst Ward, Ginny Weasley spent her waking hours visualizing a nice little cottage in the country. It had a white picket fence, a lovely flower garden, and a friggin' huge dungeon where Harry "why the hell doesn't he love me" Potter would be hidden away, chained to the floor.

In the Meg Griffin Pavilion for Socially Awkward Witches Having a Bad Hair Day, Hermione Granger was mentally compiling an alphabetical list of all the ways she could murder the only Professor who failed to appreciate her academic superiority, Severus "why won't he just admit that I'm a genius" Snape, without being present and without getting caught.

While, over in the St. Adolph's Delusional Megalomaniac Ward, in a locked room guarded by Fluffy the three-headed dog, a seriously cheesed off Albus Dumbledore was studying the schematics for Star Trek, the Next Generation's android, Lieutenant Commander Data. Forgetting completely that he was not a Muggle robotics engineer from the distant future, he pored over those plans, looking for any weakness he could exploit to bring that resurrected Dark Lord/Android amalgamation, Datamort, down doobie doo down down, come-a come-a down doobie do down down - oh it sucks to be Dumbledore. His progress was once again thwarted by his daily descent into the lyrics of a song by some random sixties or seventies crooner. At least it wasn't "Having my baby, what a lovely way to show how much you love me" anymore, that friggin' ear worm hung around for weeks.

It was quite the stroke of the luck for these seriously unhinged Wizarding folk that there was a new volunteer Nursiewitch Assistant coming to St. Mungo's, Trixiebella Lestrangle, the apechit crazy, former Dark Lord groupie, Bellatrix Lestrange. Unbeknownst to the Azkaban guards, Trixiebella had mastered the seriously creepy dementor-Animagus transformation while locked away, and escaped as one of the dementors, (duh!) which this author refuses to capitalize, because that only gives them power. After floating her ethereal ass ("Again with the ass, what is with this pervasive fixation with the gluteus Maximus?" "Shut up, inner monologue, when I want your opinion, I'll write one for your sorry ass - oh shit, I'm arguing with a voice in my head, and it's right! How can I save this? Maybe nobody noticed...")

After floating her ethereal SELF out of Azkaban, Bellatrix Lestrange tracked down her formerly over the top Dark Wizard Master to the dungeon abode of Hogwarts' resident Potions Master and Wizarding superhero, Severus "I am the one true Batman" Snape. After witnessing the passive aggressive ways of the newly reincarnated Lieutenant Datamort, Bellatrix spat at his feet, screaming "Call me Trixiebella Lestrangle, losers!" while transforming into a dementor and floating out of the dungeons, disappearing into the night. "It looks like it's time for a change of allegiance", she cackled, as she drifted all the way to London, thinking that the old coot, Dumbledore was her new, best hope for evil and mayhem. A plot was hatched, involving exploding bedpans and talking, bouncing parakeets, and - oops, not yet, we haven't started Harry's fifth year yet!

September first arrived, as it always did, and Harry Potter was not aboard the Hogwarts Express. With Ron Weasley living amongst the Danish Trolls, and Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley involuntarily committed, there was really no point in returning to London to board the train. Two of the members of the Golden Trio were locked up, Harry didn't need to share a compartment with them, feeding Granger misinformation so her tales to Dumbledore would reveal nothing personal.

Harry, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom and Draco Malfoy had spent their summer holidays in a large suite of rooms that Hogwarts herself gifted to the students. It was situated between the Potion Master's quarters and the new home of Lieutenant Datamort. The Dark Android had appointed all four to the post of Acting Ensigns in Dumbledore's Accusers, a small band of Hogwarts students who were to be trained to take down Dumbledore, not with violent Unforgivables, but with defensive spells, annoying variations of the stinging hex, and non-violent spells that would truss up the former Headmaster and his cronies, faster than a Christmas turkey. Datamort and Snape had the students spend their summer honing their skills, staging mock battles, and teaching shields and counter curses.

Harry left with his friends to the Hogsmeade station, to hang out with Hagrid while he was directing scared little firsties to their boats. After Hagrid nearly crushed their rib cages with his enthusiastic hugs, Harry, Neville, Luna and Draco caught one of the thestral-drawn carriages to Hogwarts. "Why is this precious little Australian Bouncing Parakeet sitting in our coach, so very far from home?", Luna whispered, as the little bird hopped onto her finger. "Um, Luna, that's a budgie, a plain old Muggle parakeet", Neville stated, as he, Harry and Draco boarded the coach.

At that moment, in a fit of fury, the little Aussie parakeet began bouncing up and down, like the kangaroos the little bird so dearly loved to mimic - little known fact, in the wild, whole flocks of this mini magical parrots have been known to bounce, in formation, behind kangaroos as they hop across the Australian outback, but that's not important right now, it's just friggin' cute. The bouncing budgie was so ticked off that it forgot the message it had been trained to deliver, which was a good thing, because this little escapee wasn't due to deliver said message until the end of the school year.

Harry took an immediate fancy to the feisty little parakeet, who could feel the love and decided to adopt the orphan Wizard. Overwhelmed by the purity of Harry's soul, the little bird abandoned the training she had received at St. Mungo's and swore to protect her wizard. She promised herself, when her vocabulary improved, she would spill the secret of Trixiebella Lestrange and her evil plan. Until then, she vowed to stay on Harry's shoulder, under an "owl be gone" spell, to avoid being owl chow.

Trixiebella Lestrangle, polyjuiced as Sirius Black, had been running a pet therapy program at St. Mungo's, an invitation-only project, where the hand-selected patients would teach adorable ickle wickle parakeets to say "the answer to the ultimate meaning of life, the universe, and everything, is hidden deep in the Department of Mysteries". She had selected Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Albus Dumbledore, and Amos Diggory, the newest St. Mungo's inpatient, who was admitted to the Our Lady of Dunder-Mifflin Annoyingly Proud Parent Ward, after screaming "Harry Potter is a tool, my Cedric is way better than that wand-waving, Snitch-Snatching, media whore attention freak!" at the conclusion of Harry's hearing. His, um, person got plopped there immediately after his tirade.*

Little did Trixiebella and her tiny band of minions know, but one of the little parakeets had escaped, and pledged her allegiance to The Boy Who Loves Little Bouncing Birds, Harry Potter.

*"See, I can cart a person away from Wizarding society and involuntarily commit him, without dragging him out by his ass! It's just a hell of a lot more fun, giving an atomic wedgie to someone who truly deserves it. I'll shut up now."

Deep in the bowels of the Ministry, in the Department of Mysteries, two Unspeakables were hunched over a table, studying invoices from Eeylop's Owl Emporium, an establishment well known for selling only owls. That all changed two months ago, when the proprietor started importing Australian Bouncing Parakeets, which were definitely NOT owls, and were most definitely not legal. The Australian Ministry for Magic strictly prohibited the export of all its magical fauna, in keeping with the laws of Muggle Australia, prohibiting the export of all Aussie animals. The folks at Eeylop's were selling them as Cornish Prancing Parakeets, but anyone could see that these little birdies did not prance, they bounced.

Something evil was afoot, the Unspeakable duo determined. They wrote up an ultra top secret memo, delivered via a Patronus-gram, to the veritable Adonis head of Magical Law Enforcement, Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Wizard who launched a thousand Lady-boners (and quite a few actual boners). The shining silver, misty form of a street mime (Unspeakables NEVER speak) appeared in the head auror's office, interrupting a meeting with the Muggle Prime Minister. It dropped the super-de-duper report on Kingsley's desk, and pointed dramatically at the parchment with one hand, while miming "shush!" with the other. The Muggle Minister didn't even bat an eye at this, far stranger things had happened in Kingsley's tenure as his aide.

Kingsley had no desire to obliviate the Prime Minister. The meeting was rescheduled for later in the day, leaving him free to vanish the Patronus, who was now performing the ever-so-annoying "mime trapped in a box" routine. "Damned show-off Unspeakables, they can't deliver anything without showing off", he muttered as he perused the parchment. After learning of the theft of these highly prohibited birdies, he began planning for a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, whose members were now wise to the evil that is Dumbledore and were now headed by Shacklebolt and Severus Snape. Grimmauld Place was out, it had been converted to a magical animal shelter, and the last time the Order convened, after Dumbledore's capture, a Niffler had climbed onto Kingsley's head and refused to come down. The Muggle Prime Mister had quite a few chuckles at his assistant's living, shiny trinket-snatching toupee. .cool - there would be no repeat of that fiasco, the next meeting would be at Hogwarts.

Remus Lupin was once again the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, after Datamort logically concluded that his Darkness's talents were better served heading Dumbledore's Accusers. Ever loyal to the Actual Light, Harry Potter, Lupin posted the DA sign up sheet on the door of the DADA classroom. With a crazy ex-Headmaster out there, hell-bent on committing heinous acts of violence against his favorite wizard-cub, he figured that was the least he could do. The list had the names of every Hogwarts student - hell, the Creevey brothers had each signed it twice, and Dennis's camera even signed; but there was one hold out, Marietta Edgecombe, whose family was distantly related to one Albus Dumbledore, and was insanely loyal to him.

One day, after class, Lupin approached Miss Edgecombe , offering extra credit if she joined the DA. Ever the Ravenclaw, she jumped at the chance for extra credit and signed on the dotted line, not knowing that action transferred a charm that would unleash a gaggle of honking geese, magically sonorused so that Remus could hear them from ANYWHERE, to plague her every step if she informed her family, or Albus himself, of the group or its activities. ("Pimples spelling out 'Sneak' on her forehead, c'mon, Alternative Universe Hermione, what kind of punishment slash early warning alarm is that? Cosmetics could never hide an angry gaggle of hostilely honking geese. Stupid Hermione!" - "you know what, I'm gonna let that slide, my inner monologue is delivering Grade A truth here!"). The Professor figured she'd blab eventually, giving the Order of the Phoenix a chance to mobilize before the shit hit the fan.

Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts was shaping up to be the best year ever. An adorable little parakeet companion perched on his shoulder, no Dursleys to deal with, Minerva "Go, Gryffindor" McGonnagal as Headmistress, Remus Lupin as DADA professor, his rank as Acting Ensign in Dumbledore's Accusers, shared with his three best friends, Neville, Luna, and Draco, everything was perfect, except for one rather embarrassing problem. Harry Potter was absolutely smitten with the Practically Perfect Potion Prince, the Wizarding Batman to his Robin, Severus Snape, who had Harry popping a chubby every time he heard his melodious bass-baritone voice. This was sooo not good. Wizarding robes could only hide so much, and adolescents could be so cruel. Something was bound to give - Harry Potter had never had a perfect year.  
If poor Harry only knew his real problem was a certain unregistered animagus who had taken to hitching a ride on Neville's pet plant, Mimbulous Mimbletonia, hidden amongst the leaves, he would have insisted that the Headmistress install a bug zapper in the Hogwarts Entrance. That ugly, pudgy beetle would eventually embarrass the living shit out of Harry with a full page close-up of the earlier mentioned chubby, springing to life in the fullness of the Technicolor rainbow, accompanied by an audible "BOING", with the headline "THE BOY WHO LIVED LUSTS SPORTS MASSIVE WOOD FOR DUNGEON-BAT DEATH EATER". More on that, later. Okay, not too much later. Is the next paragraph soon enough?

One late Autumn afternoon, Harry and his Potions partner, Draco Malfoy, were working diligently on a complex potion, when Severus Snape silently sauntered behind the pair. "So nice to see such a perfectly prepared Potion", he purred, unknowingly unleashing a chain of events that would humiliate his super-secret Veelacorn soulmate. Harry popped a major chubby, and a barely audible click followed, as the insect Rita Skeeter snapped a photo from the vantage point of Harry's lap, with her animagus camera. The ghastly pseudo beetle took flight, buzzing out of the dungeon and off to her office at the Prophet, while Draco shivered in disgust, and Harry stared at the rapidly escaping beetle, dumbfounded.

"What in Merlin's holey under trousers was that?", gasped Draco Malfoy, who was a closet insectophobe, who lived in fear of his fellow Slytherins exploiting his phobia. "Language, Draco", Snape admonished his godson, as he pondered the appearance, and disappearance, of a big-assed bug in his bug-proofed laboratory. "Something's definitely afoot here", he puzzled, deciding that a floo-call to Kingsley Shacklebolt was decidedly in order. As if by magic, a parchment from that very wizard winged its way into the lab, tied to the leg of a magnificent Emperor Eagle, a magical hybrid of the Emperor Penguin and a Bald Eagle, created especially for the head of the DMLE. Untying the missive from Hercules, Snape handed the majestic creature a Goliath beetle, because he's a Potion Master extraordinaire, he has a friggin' bug zoo in his private lab.

Unfurling the scroll, Snape read the following : "Be on the lookout for an influx of Australian Bouncing Parakeets, that are slowly making their way into Hogwarts via Eeylop's Owl Emporium. There will be an emergency meeting of the Order tonight, in the Room of Requirement, bring Harry and his trio of besties, as well as the Weasley twins. There is highly twisted evil afoot, and we need to be just as twisted in response. This parchment will self-incendio in 15 seconds". Snape high-tailed it out of the classroom with the parchment, before the soon to appear flames could blow the class to smithereens.

"He's got the looks of a bronzed God, a commanding presence, and is a brilliant tactician, but he's got all the common sense of a Niffler in a room of Leprechaun galleons. A flaming parchment in a room with voluble, highly combustible fumes, what was he thinking? Oh, right, the Niffler he wore as a toupee ran off with his common sense", Severus mused, as he hurried back to his classroom, before the students themselves blew the room to smithereens.

Upon his return, with his trademark flourish of inky black robes, he noticed a tiny parakeet on Potter's left shoulder, cheerfully hopping in place while chirping away in a suspiciously Australian accent. "Decant your potions at once and leave, Potter and Malfoy, you are to remain after class", he ordered. The class did as he demanded, since the professor scared the bejeezus out of each and every student at Hogwarts that weren't Acting Ensigns.

"Harry Potter, why is there a highly illegal, and impossibly adorable, Australian Bouncing Parakeet, bouncing incessantly upon your shoulder?", drawled the Potion Master, who secretly loved making his future mate squirm.

Before Harry could answer, Draco took pity upon his lab partner and answered for him, allowing Harry to attend to his trouser situation unnoticed. "This bouncing, chattering feather ball joined us when we boarded the thestral-drawn carriages at the start of term. Loony Lovegood identified this little creature, who immediately hopped on over to Harry. This little Sheila promised her fealty to our favorite scarhead, and has been chattering away recently about 'bowels of the Ministry, crazy teenage girls with outlandish hair, and crazier old coots'. Just today, she spoke her first full, compound sentence, 'There's a Sirius Black impersonator, named Trixiebella Lestrangle, masquerading at St. Mungo's as an Animal Therapy professional, training my fellow Aussie birdy brethren to do evil upon Harry Potter and all of Hogwarts'. She passed out after that, doing her best Errol the Weasley owl impersonation. We were going to tell you this after class, it seemed awfully hinky", Draco blurted out.

Harry's chubby problem finally under control, he nodded in agreement. "Do you have anything to add, Harry?", Snape murmured seductively, not intending seduction, just REALLY enjoying the crimson hue the Boy Wonder was displaying, much like the gluteal region of the Mandrill baboon during mating season.  
Just then, things got real between our author and her conscience.

"OKAY, YOU PERVY AUTHOR, CEASE AND DESIST WITH THE BUTT JOKES, IMMEDIATELY" -

"Don't get your knickers in a knot, almighty Superego, this buttocks reference was actually appropriate for the scene."

"I'll let you off this time with a warning, you dirty girl, but know this. I am on to you and your wicked ways. Next time you make any reference to posterior ends, this iPad here gets it. I'll have you throwing it against the wall in shame."

"Whatever, can I get back to the story now?"

"If you must, though I hardly see the point."

With that, we return to the dungeon, where Harry is trying his best to hide the second raging boner he's had in less than 15 minutes, Draco is snickering at his friends growing problem, and Snape is wondering if it's possible to Accio a flock of forbidden Bouncing Parakeets, that are desperately trying not to be seen, in a castle rife with predatory raptors. "There will be an emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix in the Room of Requirement, at 8:00 p.m., sharp. I expect both of you to attend. Harry, bring the bouncing budgie. Now, be off with you, before you're late for dinner. It's Taco Tuesday, remember your sombreros", Snape ordered the duo, as he stalked out of the classroom, to floo Shacklebolt regarding the latest development.  
"I swear to Merlin, the bouncing budgie confessed to a plot against Hogwarts", Snape recounted to the Head Auror, "and Bellatrix Lestrange is behind it, with four most deranged wizards and witches in England doing the grunt work. Only Albus Dumbledore, Amos Diggory, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley have the right combination of apechit cray-cray and thundering revenge fantasies, to make the perfect minions to the ULTIMATE CRAY-CRAY MEGAWITCH BEYOTCH, Bellatrix", Snape wheezed as he released that wildly run-on paragraph.

Kingsley nodded his glorious chrome dome in understanding, before ending the call with "Severus, it's Taco Tuesday in the Great Hall, grab your sombrero and run, before all the chalupas are gone". Doing as he was told, Severus grabbed his sombrero and ran.

Note from your Snarrody purveyor : this Chapter is refusing to end, so I am going to cut it off here. More fifth year will be coming shortly. Toodles! 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Taco Tuesday Will Not Be Stopped, Even by the Evening Prophet! Psst, Did you here a boing?  
Summary:

Colin Creevey has a paper route, with only one stop, right smack in front of the Great Hall doorway. The Evening Prophet, featuring Harry Potter and his little Harry, has thrown a big fat monkey wrench into Taco Tuesday, which has the house elves, and Draco Malfoy, in a royal snit. Harry Potter is hiding, with his future bond mate, Severus Snape, tearing down Hogwarts to find him. Can Taco Tuesday be saved? Will the Order of the Phoenix meeting start on Time? And why is Kingsley Shacklebolt dressed like Jean Luc Picard? The answers are all in this chapter.

Notes:

Still no financial gain here, but the kudos, comments and hits are priceless. Thank you!

It was Taco Tuesday in the Great Hall, but there was nary a line at the build your own taco and burrito bar. The house elves were gearing up for self-flagellation, thinking that they had somehow botched the secret ingredient in the magical beef filling (it wasn't magic, it was MSG, and they hadn't, the elf taste testers weren't any twitchier than usual).

Each and every Hogwarts student, with his or her sombrero, was huddled over The Evening Prophet, where Harry Potter's trouser snake was the featured attraction. To compound matters, little Colin Creevey was standing outside the Grand Hall, waiting for his favorite Gryffindor, with a camera in hand, wearing a T-shirt with "BOING!" splashed across the front. He was selling the Prophet to offset his Hogwarts tuition. Fair enough, he needed money for school . But the kicker was that Colin had somehow charmed the shirt to yell "BOING" repeatedly, at ten second intervals, only stopping when someone purchased the wizarding tabloid.

Furthermore, Hogwarts' most ANNOYING Gryffindor was blocking the entrance to the highly anticipated, Mexican-themed evening meal, with a long line of students waiting to buy the rag. Students wanting to get their taco on were close to drawing wands, just as Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood joined the group. "What in Hagrid's Bushy Beard is separating me from the all you can eat taco and burrito bar", shouted Draco Malfoy, who was wearing his most fetching sombrero, and was ready to chow down.

"I'm selling the Evening Prophet to pay my my tuition. Please buy a paper, I don't want to go back to mucking out Hagrid's thestral stalls", Creevey begged. "Anything to get the line moving - here, take my money, keep the change, just let me pass, so that I may have my taco fix!" Barely had he walked five steps past Creevey, when he spotted the most puerile headline the Prophet has ever published :

THE BOY WHO LIVED OR THE BOY WHO LUSTS? POTTER SPORTS MASSIVE WOOD FOR DUNGEON-BAT DEATH EATER!

A photo of Harry's "Little Harry" was somehow charmed to bounce, with an audible "BOING!" on each upstroke. Draco dropped his paper in shock, Neville Longbottom literally had steam coming out of his ears, and Luna Lovegood set a scurry of squirrels to rifle through the idiot Gryffindor's nuts. Before the squirrels had a chance to ravage the quivering Creevey, Professor Snape stormed into the entrance hall, and sized up the disaster unfolding before him. "Cease this commotion at once!", he roared, causing even the squirrels to stop and scatter, until all that was heard in the hall was a chorus of "boing, boing, boing, boing..."

Before Severus could demand an explanation, Draco Malfoy, still pale from shock, handed his copy of the babbling paper to him. The Potions Master turned a shade of purple never before seen on the human, but detectable on the wizarding, visual spectrum. After performing a mass, multi-pinpoint precision Incendio of all the newspapers, in both the Entrance and Great Halls, the Professor bellowed "Mister Creevey, I will have you expelled from Hogwarts IMMEDIATELY, if you don't disclose where you obtained these papers. Minor wizards are forbidden to possess the Evening Prophet, much less sell it!"

"I found four huge bundles of them, outside the Gryffindor Common Room, with a note addressed to me. All it said was 'there are enough papers here to pay for spring semester'. And there was this t-shirt that I was told to wear as I sold them. There was no signature", Creevey squeaked as he proceeded to wet his pants.

"What is it with Gryffindors and bladder issues?", Snape wondered, before his mind was inundated with visions of his soulmate, alone in Room of Requirement, sobbing inconsolably. He took off like the bat he was rumored to be, to console the young man, realizing there would be no chalupas for Severus Snape tonight.

Draco took the note from Colin and docked fifty points from Gryffindor, figuring Snape himself would enjoy doling out his "extreme cauldron scrubbing detention", to the embarrassment of the puny, stinky, wet-pants wizard groveling before him.  
After dealing with Creevey, the three fifth year friends noticed that Harry was missing. "Perhaps Professor Snape knows, he always knows where to find Harry when the Nargles are hounding him", Luna commented as she gazed dreamily off into space. The two boys looked at Luna, gobsmacked. Unfazed by her friends skepticism , she remarked "Did you not see how he flew out of here, like a stallion Hippogriff defending his mate-"

"Luna, I adore you, but you're making zero sense", Neville mumbled, trying to hide his blush.

"Could we just can the courtship display of the Wood Elf and the Nebulous Fairie, and find Harry and the Professor?", Draco snarled, because it was clear there would be no tacos for Draco tonight (what a waste of a festive sombrero). The trio quizzed the portraits in the Entrance Hall, and those lining the staircases, who all told the same story. They had seen a large snake, suspended in mid air, hissing quietly as it quickly ascended the stairs, before disappearing into the Room of Hidden Things.

They stopped in front of the room, totally missing a prominently placed "Do Not Enter Until 8:00 p.m., that Means You, Dunderhead", sign. After the three tried every Silly Walk ever taught by the Ministry of Silly Walks, with no result, Luna looked behind her. There, in big, spiky red letters, was the sign, glaring menacingly, in with a signature style that struck fear in the hearts of students. "Guys, I think Professor Snape is comforting his soulmate, let's go to dinner while the taco bar's still open,", Luna murmured sweetly.

"Soulmate, Harry's not his soulmate, Loo-, I mean, Luna! You may be a genius, but I swear to Merlin, sometimes you are nuttier than squirrel poop!", blurted Draco. "But a Malfoy NEVER refuses a Mexican feast, so I say ¡Vámanos!. And with that, the three Acting Ensigns straightened their sombreros and raced to the Great Hall just in time to pile mounds of beefy, cheesy, spicy goodness into the tortillas of their choice,  
condiments optional. The house elves were most pleased. There would be no self-flagellation or head banging in the kitchens that night.

Snape frantically paced three times, back and forth, in front of the Room of Requirement, before he entered. He had already tacked a sign onto St. Barmy's tapestry, effectively reserving the room until the Order of the Phoenix Emergency Meeting. He quickly spotted Nagini, coiled up near a corner, head erect, and hissing softly, to a fixed spot on the wall, that was audibly sobbing. Approximately two and a half feet above that point, an adorable parakeet was bouncing, seemingly in thin air, clearly repeating "Harry Potter is a hero, Rita Skeeter is a bitch". If Snape had understood Parseltongue, he'd have realized that little Polly was perfectly translating Nagini's words into English, not merely parroting the random utterances of students.

"Your familiars have revealed your location, Harry, please come out from under your cloak", Snape murmured, kneeling beside the distressed young wizard.

"I'm going to leave Hogwarts and never return! My relatives were right, I am a freak! Seriously, who pops a chubby in the middle of Potions class- "

"Who, I dare say, would be a young, adolescent wizard, who has the Potions Professor as his soulmate. Any wizard could surely pop wood, if his soulmate near him stood", Snape drawled.

Harry slowly emerged from his hiding place, blushing all the way to his toes. "Did you just make a rhyming boner joke, Professor?", Harry whispered. "I was sure that you'd see that horrible story and be disgusted with me", he continued, refusing to look the Wizard in the eye.  
"Severus, my name is Severus", Snape murmured, as he tilted Harry's chin, staring directly into Harry's sparkling, emerald green eyes. "Although you are not old enough to bond to your soulmate, you are mature enough to react, when in the presence of your mate - that's me, by the way, in case you were wondering. I am flattered that I excite you", Severus purred.

"How will I ever be able to function in Potions, if your voice does THIS to me?", Harry squealed as he pointed to the tent in his trousers.  
"Do what I do, Harry, picture Professor Trelawney, dressed only in a tiara and tutu, prancing wildly about the Great Hall after her fourth glass of sherry - that always works for me", Snape smirked.

"Gee, thanks, Severus, if I weren't already bent, that would totally put me off ladies forever."

"I thought Miss Weasley and her Tickle Me Elmo doll had already done that to you."

"Nah, she just made me wary of redhead witches. Hermione Granger had the honor of scaring me the polar opposite direction of straight. I don't ever want to be with anyone whose sole goal is domination without respect, all the while alternating between alienation of affection and smothering."

"Rest assured, my Harry, I respect you, and you already know that I don't know how to smother, but I do expect to be the dominant partner when we bond. I will be dominant, but never domineering. And I don't condone violence, we Veelacorns are peaceful creatures."

"Who are you, and what have you done with Severus Snape?", Harry queried, dumbfounded. "And what in blazes is a Veelacorn-"

Harry's questions ground to a halt, as Kingsley Shacklebolt strode into the room, dressed as a Starship Captain. The room instantly transformed from a barren broom closet into the Ready Room of U.S.S. Enterprise. "I love the new Star Trek, Captain Jean Luc Picard is the one true Captain", Kingsley enthused.

Snape decided not to argue the clear superiority of James Tiberius Kirk, since he had news for the Head Auror, and could not afford to be distracted, no matter how mistaken the Auror was. He whispered to Harry, "we have much to discuss, but now is not the time, now we must meet with the Order".

Snape turned and directed his attention to the cosplaying Auror, who looked mighty fine in his futuristic attire. "Kingsley, I trust you have seen tonight's paper? Do you have any thoughts as to who is behind this? Four huge bundles of the Evening Prophet were given to an underage Wizard, which he then sold to most of the student body.

And earlier today, a huge beetle alighted from Mister Potter's trousers, while he was in my flawlessly insect-proof lab. Two hours later, Potter's hormonally primed private parts were splashed across the Prophet, complete with sound effects. Coincidence? I think not!"  
"Severus, I think there is a larger, crazier game at play here. Smuggled bouncing budgies, Potter's bouncing deal boinging across the evening paper - there is evil afoot. Wait for the rest of the Order, Severus, I have much to say, but be assured of this - Bellatrix Lestrange and Rita Skeeter are going DOWN!"

Out of nowhere, a trio of house elfs, draped in Hogwarts finest dish towels and wearing jaunty sombreros, popped into the room, bearing platters of tacos, burritos and chalupas. "Youse be missing your Mexican feast, we thought to be saving youse some", babbled Dobby, the leader of the Hogswart elves.

"Thank you, Dobby, you know how much I love Taco Tuesday!", Harry garbled as he snarfed down a chicken chalupa.

Dobby delivered a platter to the professor, that he laid on the Ready Room table. "Begging youse pardons, Professor sir, but we elves knows things about that wicked witch beetle", Dobby whispered. "She makes evil plans with an even wickeder witch, who looks like the wizard Sirius Black. The wickeder witch is using some naughty patients at St. Mungo's, to teach bouncing birdies to talk. The witches be cackling together about birdies and the Mystery Ministry, and the St. Mungo's elves did hear them. They want to get you and Harry Potter, sir, please be careful!, he pleaded, before he and his sombrero-adorned elf amigos popped out as suddenly as they had arrived.

Grabbing the nearest burrito, Snape pondered all he had learned. Tonight's meeting was bound to be one for the record books.

This writer is going to stop here, and let these wizards enjoy their dinner in peace. ¡Hasta luego! 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Flying Willies at Hogwarts? Invite Some Aussies to the Party, and bring the Magical Kick-boxing Kangaroos, Shit is Getting Real Here!

Summary:

There is evil afoot, and Bellatrix Lestrange and Albus Dumbledore are behind it. The Order of the Phoenix finally meets, a plan is hatched that involves Australian Magizoologists, Magical Australian Red Kick-Boxing Kangaroos, and some questionable merchandise from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. There's a gaggle of geese, an abused traitor, and Datamort really needs a hug. Confused? Read on.

Notes:

No money, not even after ten chapters. Oh well. Oh, and I promise, no recreational substances were consumed during the writing of this Snarrody. I am not young, such substances would kill me.

It was 8 o'clock in the ST:TNG Ready Room of Requirement. Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Order of the Phoenix, the Acting Ensigns of Dumbledore's Accusers, and the Weasley Twins were awaiting the arrival of the Potions Master, who along with Shacklebolt, was co-leader of the Order.  
Severus Sexy Smartyrobes Snape strode in, carrying his Do Not Enter sign, accompanied by a surprise guest. With a wave of his arm, the Guest Who Will Be Named, Lieutenant Commander Datamort, transfigured the clothing of all attendees into Starfleet uniforms.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Datamort, for providing suitable attire for this emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix. I called you here, Lieutenant, in the presence of the Order, because you possess valuable information regarding Bellatrix Lestrange. She has been linked to illegal smuggling of Australian Bouncing Parakeets into Britain, using Eeylop's Owl Emporium. She has infiltrated St. Mungo's, as a Nursiwitch Pet therapy specialist disguised as Sirius Black, teaching four dangerously deranged patients to train these parakeets to speak, with a message to report to the Department of Mysteries. One of these parakeets escaped, and was in Harry Potter's carriage on September 1st.

Today, in Professor Snape's fifth year Potions class, Rita Skeeter, in her animagus form, took an extremely close up photo of Harry Potter's junk, which is prominently featured in tonight's Evening Prophet, with sound effects. Dobby the house elf has learned of the collusion between Lestrange and Skeeter. He has also confirmed that Albus Dumbledore, Amos Diggory, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley are training the Bouncing Budgies.

What we need to know is : Why is Bellatrix fixated on the Department of Mysteries? Would she manipulate Dumbledore to get to Harry, or do you think Dumbledore would use her for the same reason? If she is the mastermind behind all this, will she kill her four underlings after she releases the budgies. If so, can she influenced to just annihilate Dumbledore and leave the others be? Any insights you can provide would most appreciated" Kingsley concluded, to the shocked silence of most in attendance.

Arthur Weasley was the first person to break the silence. "What happened to Bendermort? His glorious, shiny metal ass was a marvel of futuristic Muggle ingenuity. I wonder, can we even beat Bellatrix and her band of disgruntled followers without blinding them with its magnificence?", he queried, while staring at the not quite so Dark Android.

Lord Lieutenant Commander Datamort fixed his crimson red eyes on the Weasley Patriarch, an action that would make a younger Weasley tremble. "Mister Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange does not deserve the honor of gazing on the wonder that is my buttocks, which is still quite magnificent, shiny or not. That apechit crazy Witch needs to be brought down by her own scheme - ".

"It's funny you should mention that, Lord Datamort, because I have been in talks with the Australian Minister for Magic regarding the smuggling of the Bouncing Parakeets. He will be sending two Magizoologists and six Great Red Kickboxing Kangaroos, to help collect the Parakeets and to knock out the perpetrators. These birds follow the kangaroos in the Australian Magical Outback, and sometimes will eat the insect pests on their fur. When the little birds fall into formation, they will be Accioed into waiting cages, and the kangaroos, who are trained to take down criminals, will take down Lestrange and her minions", Kingsley Shacklebolt informed those assembled.

"We still have the question, why is she fixated on the Department of Mysteries?", Shacklebolt queried, with his deep basso-profundo voice launching a few naughty sexy-time daydreams for many of the witches, and a few of the wizards in attendance.

"Kingsley, I believe Bellatrix is harboring the mistaken belief that there is a genuine prophecy, in the Hall of Prophecy of the Department of Mysteries, concerning Datamort, and the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter. Long story cut VERY short, the complete fraud Trelawney and the ex-Headmaster had me "overhear" the performance of a false prophecy, written by Dumbledore himself, stating that Voldemort's archenemy, the one who would kill him, was a boy to be born July 31st, that this boy's parents would thrice defy him, and that neither could live while the other survived", Severus answered.

Luna piped in, because unlike Trelawney, she was a true Seer. "Only those mentioned in a true prophecy can fetch the prophecy from the Department of Mysteries" she stated, barely over a whisper, clearly in a trance. "She and Dumbledore have joined forces, they want to draw out Harry, Severus and Datamort, and they want the Order to follow. Dumbledore's supporters will be there, this is war -".

Luna promptly fainted. Outside the Ready Room of Requirement, a gaggle of loudly honking geese were chasing Marietta Edgecombe. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin swiftly exited, and while Black was gathering the geese, Lupin Stupified Miss Edgecombe. She was then levitated into the Order meeting.

"It appears that Miss Edgecombe has been eavesdropping and reporting back to her parents, known Dumbledore supporters. I put a charm on her, which would immediately conjure a gaggle of geese if she betrayed Dumbledore's Accusers, or the Order", Lupin explained.

Because this meeting wasn't weird enough, Dobby popped back into the room, still clad in his best dish towel and sombrero. Spotting the double crossing Ravenclaw, he pointed at her and shrieked. "That naughty student was hiding in the kitchen, listening to we elves talking about the evil witches and the bad, bad Dumbledore. She used our floo to make evil with her parents. Her parents, they is gonna make evil plans with Dumbledore." Dobby was so distraught, that Harry told him to go straight to Madame Pomfrey.

"Severus, do you have any Veritaserum?", bellowed Shacklebolt.

"I always keep a bottle with me, old spy habits die hard", Snape replied.

Lupin released the Stupefy, and Incarcioed Marietta's a-, oops, person to a conveniently conjured chair.

Severus placed three drops of Veritaserum to her tongue, and Shacklebolt began questioning her.

"Who are you?"

"Marietta Edgecombe, sixth year Ravenclaw."

"Are you a member of Dumbledore's Accusers?"

"I signed up, but I believe Dumbledore is Hogwarts' true Headmaster!"

"Have you had any contact with Bellatrix Lestrange?"

"Of course, she is my Aunt by marriage, the Edgecombes and Lestranges are related."

"Do you know how the Bouncing Parakeet got into Harry's carriage on September first?"

"I put it there. I figured if the bird followed Potter, it would put the idea of fetching the prophecy in his head. I flooed my parents today, because it's not working. The next plan was to unleash the rest of the birds at the next Dumbledore's Accusers meeting, and have Harry Potter, the Accusers and the Order go to the Department of Mysteries that very night."

"Severus, give her the antidote after she answers this last question", Shacklebolt demanded. "Miss Edgecombe, your future depends on the answer to the next question. If we give your immunity from Azkaban, will you inform us when the birds arrive and release them here, in the Room of Requirement, to the Order and the DA? You must not inform your parents, or your Aunt", Shacklebolt commanded.

Marietta was shaking, suddenly realizing the deep shit she was in. "I will tell no one. Please, I'll do as you say. My parents beat me horribly if I don't do their bidding. Can you grant me asylum after this? I doubt I'll survive otherwise", she pleaded.

Headmistress McGonnagal chimed in, before Shacklebolt could answer. "Miss Edgecombe, you will report to Madame Pomphrey immediately, I will accompany you. She will give you physical and magical evaluations. Afterwards, we will meet in my office, where you will talk with the Sorting Hat. The Lions and Badgers are particularly suited to students who have been abused."

Shacklebolt nodded in agreement and Snape gave the trembling girl the antidote. "Slytherin has a number of students who have been abused, both at home, and at school. Miss Edgecombe would be welcomed by the Snakes", Snape and Datamort stated, simultaneously. "Jinx!", yelled Professor Snape. Lieutenant Commander Datamort's eyes got even redder, but he couldn't say a thing until Severus said his name.

The Headmistress and Miss Edgecombe quickly exited the meeting, leaving those remaining staring back and forth between Snape and Datamort.

The Potions Master and ex-spy began speaking, first to the Dark Android, and then, to those assembled. "I will call on you after I have laid out my plan. Bellatrix must know that there was never a prophecy, since she and Dumbledore are now working together. They both want Harry Potter and Voldemort dead; Amos Diggory also wants Harry dead, while Ginny Weasley wants to marry Harry. Furthermore, Bellatrix Lestrange, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley want me dead. Are you all following me thus far?", Severus asked the remaining witches and wizards.  
They all nodded in the affirmative.

"Clearly, the impossibly adorable Australian Bouncing Budgies, trained at St. Mungo's by Bellatrix and the vengeful, involuntarily committed witches and wizards, will be used to lure Dumbledore's Accusers to the Department of Mysteries. Albus knows that Potter will follow his friends into the pits of hell, to save them from Dark Wizards. He also stupidly thinks that Potter still believes the Prophecy lie, and that Harry would blindly follow him to hear the prophecy.

My belief is that Bellatrix and Albus will each have a portkey at the ready, that will whisk Harry, Datamort and myself to a separate, unplottable location, where we will, no doubt, have gruesome acts of violence perpetuated upon our persons.  
We need the more dubious products of Weasley Wizarding Wheezes to distract Bellatrix and Albus, so that the Australian Magizoologists and their magical Red Kick Boxing Kangaroos can round up the birds and overpower Bellatrix and her minions, before the portkeys can be used. Obviously, the rest of the Order and an Auror SWAT team will follow the DA, the logistics I will leave to Head Auror Shacklebolt.", concluded the ex-spy.

"My brother and I can neither confirm nor deny the aforementioned products, in the presence of the Head Auror, but an owl, sent with an order for such products, will gladly be acknowledged, and your alleged order will be delivered to the destination of your choice, discreetly packaged", chirped of of the identical tricksters.

Head Auror, and Starship Captain wannabe, Kingsley Shacklebolt adjourned the meeting, with the following directive : "Be prepared to floo to the Ministry at a moment's notice. I will devise a Patronus chain, so after Severus and I receive word of the parakeet release, the Order and the Aurors can follow the DA as they purposely follow the bouncing birdies." He then cancelled the Ready Room, but kept the costume, totally owning the role of Starfleet Captain while sauntering out of the Room of Requirement. Almost all the rest of those assembled left after Shacklebolt, wearing the transfigured uniforms as souvenirs, leaving only Datamort, Snape, and Potter.

Severus then turned to Datamort, whose eyes were back to their cherry red. "Lieutenant Commander Datamort, please forgive my cheek, I needed to quickly outline my plan without interruption. Your insight into Bellatrix's plans was invaluable. We all owe you our gratitude ", he stated with a small degree of trepidation.

"My trusted friend, you need not apologize. War is on the horizon, the time for false groveling is over. Albus and Bellatrix must be stopped. Dumbledore's reign of manipulation, subjugation, and humiliation must end. I will lend my powers to end his tyranny, including joining the Actual Light, the Order of The Phoenix, and young Harry Potter. He houses one-eighth of my soul, I must protect him so we can safely reunite my soul. And my studies have found that he and I both are descended from the Noble and Ancient House of Peverell - he and I are family!", he exclaimed.

Datamort made a request of Severus, and of Harry, who was dumbstruck when he heard that Voldemort was his relative. "When I am human again, please call me by the name my Mother gave me, Tom Riddle. My mother loved this Muggle, and took his name, and named me after him.

Although I despise the man who abandoned her, I want to honor her sacrifice. She could have left me to die in order to save herself. As she was dying, she chose instead, to crawl to a Muggle orphanage, so I would be safe, warm and fed after she died. Her last words were my name. I've realized that although she was not around to love me, in the moment she held me as she named me, I was loved.

Dumbledore came into the orphanage and told me, at the age of eleven, that my parents, PLURAL, did not love me. Who tells an eleven year old that? He told me tales of my Gaunt relatives, and how they were reviled by the Riddles. He told me my Mother was almost a Squib, and that she had given my father a love potion to make him fall in love with her. He ended by saying that my Mother, Merope, was ugly, and stopped giving my Father the potion after she fell pregnant, causing my father to leave. Again, I was eleven, he told me this to make me hate Muggles, the Riddles, AND my Mother.

I have recently learned that there was NO LOVE POTION, and that my Father had been IMPERIOED by Grindelwald, who wanted Riddle Mansion to use for his own devices, and needed my Father to leave my Mother, so she would not interfere. Dumbledore, being a foremost Legilimens, ascertained his plans and obliviated Grindelwald. I wasn't even born, and Dumbledore failed to lift the Imperio. He killed my parents marriage, the grief led my mother to an early grave, and I was hand-picked and groomed to be THE DARK LORD, by the self-proclaimed Champion of the Light" - .

At that point, Harry Potter, Nagini, and little Cornflower, Harry's new birdy familiar, approached the wizard/Android, and enveloped Tom in a gentle hug. "My precious Tom, we will do whatever we can to stop Dumbledore", hissed Nagini, as Cornflower hopped over to his shoulder, cheerfully bouncing in place, while chattering "Dumbledore's going down, doobie doo, down down".

Datamort, after shedding fully functional human tears, hugged Harry and returned Cornflower, before he lovingly placed Nagini around his neck. He nodded to Snape, then to Harry, before he too exited the room. Severus and Harry were once again alone.

"My Harry, it has been a very, very long day. Seriously, it seems like nearly a year has passed in twelve short hours. Tales of our Veelacorn creature inheritance will have to wait until this situation with Dumbledore and Bellatrix is over. Just remember, when your "little Harry" salutes me in Potions, picture Trelawney dancing, wearing a tiara and a tutu, AND NOTHING ELSE. I promise you, it works." Severus then kissed the top of his young soulmate's mop of adorably unruly hair, and the Potion Master and his favorite Gryffindor exited the Room of Requirement.

SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

Thus endeth the longest day in Hogwarts' history. Whew! 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: MAJOR PARADIGM SHIFT, AKA BELLATRIX IS MY MOM?

Summary:

Harry's fifth year doesn't seem to end. Seriously, will the author ever let Harry and his pals pass on to Sixth Year? Will the Australian wildlife ever return home? And will the Real Hermione Granger please stand up! If I reveal any more, it will totally spoil it. Enjoy!

Notes:

Money is nice, but I don't get it, writing this. Thanks to all who are reading this, I hope you like where I walked the plot bunny!

"Okay, this is the writer speaking. I am going to lay down some serious, Grade AAA backstory here, or Harry Potter's fifth year will NEVER END. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once,", stated the Author, who wondered if anyone would catch the catchphrase from one of her favorite Britcoms, 'Allo, 'Allo.

Bellatrix Black and James Potter had a daughter, and she was now known as Hermione Granger. Total shocker, right? It is all due to the evil manipulation of Albus "THE DARKEST OF DARK WIZARDS" Dumbledore.

\- The Potters and the Black Family, not the nuclear family of Sirius Black, but that of his cousins, being pureblood, got along well. Bellatrix and James were best friends growing up, just like Lily and Severus were as children.

\- James and Bellatrix were an item until 1979, when Dumbledore imperioed him late seventh year, so that he would take up with Lily Evans, thus depriving Severus Snape of his only true friend.

\- Bellatrix had her last encounter with James well after he dutifully took up with Lily, at Dumbledore's command. He secretly kept seeing her until she became pregnant, she then stayed with his parents until the baby was born, in a Muggle hospital. They had a daughter, named Cassiopeia Ebony Potter. Bellatrix and Cassiopeia were to stay with James' parents.

\- Cassiopeia was born on the same day as Hermione Granger. Dumbledore, knowing of this illegitimate Potter child, imperioed the nurses in the Muggle neonatal nursery and switched the infants, with Cassiopeia going to the Grangers.

\- Marietta Edgecombe was born, on the same day as the other girls, at St. Mungo's. Dumbledore, polyjuiced as a neonatal mediwitch, kidnapped the newborn and delivered her to the front doorstep of the Bell Family, who named her Katie.

\- The Edgecombes were told that their baby had died. Returning to the Muggle nursery, polyjuiced as another nurse, Dumbledore kidnapped Hermione Granger, and delivered her, in person, to the Edgecombes. He told them that this was the daughter of James Potter and Bellatrix Black, but made them swear a Wizard's Oath to tell no one. The Edgecombes were crossing their fingers behind their backs, and the Fates KNEW that Dumbledore was evil, so the "Oath" never took. They told Marietta that Bellatrix was her Aunt, and made sure they became close.

\- Bellatrix Black went apechit when her daughter disappeared, blaming the Potters for her disappearance. The Potters knew nothing about it. She joined Voldemort, crazy with grief over the loss of her child. She blamed Lily and James' parents for the loss of her Cassiopeia.

\- Dumbledore himself killed Harry Potter's grandparents, the Potters and the Evans, telling the Order that it had been the work of Voldemort and the Death-eaters, so that Harry would never learn that he had a sister.

\- Cassiopeia, now Hermione, was such an emotional and socially awkward child, that she was a year behind her Muggle classmates. The Hogwarts authorities made note of this, she came to Hogwarts as a 12 year old.

All of this came to light on that fateful night, as Marietta Edgecombe was revealed to be the real Hermione Granger, first by the Sorting Hat, who was no longer under the Confundus Charm placed by Dumbledore the year she came to Hogwarts, then by a Gringotts goblin summoned by the Headmistress. The Goblin uncovered her true parentage. Going over St. Mungo's birth records, he discovered those of Cassiopeia Ebony Potter, whose birth statistics were recorded, even though she was born in Muggle London, next to those of Marietta Edgecombe, with a notation stating "abducted, check Hogwarts enrollment book".

Minerva McGonagall Accioed the Hogwarts enrollment book, which had been in Dumbledore's sole possession until Dumbledore was committed. After searching back seventeen years, the truth was there, in bold calligraphy:

\- Cassiopeia Ebony Potter, birth parents James Potter and Bellatrix Black, switched at birth, now named Hermione Jean Granger and raised by the Grangers

\- Marietta Edgecombe, birthparents Mr. and Mrs. Edgecombe, kidnapped from St. Mungo's and left with the Bells, now named Katie Bell. Reported dead by Albus Dumbledore, polyjuiced as a Neonatal nurse.

\- Hermione Jean Granger, birthparents Mr. and Mrs. Granger, switched at birth , given to the Edgecombes by Albus Dumbledore, named Marietta Edgecombe.

McGonnagall sent Patronuses to Severus Snape, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Lieutenant Commander Datamort, and Harry Potter, demanding the reassembly of the meeting that had just recently adjourned, this time, in the Great Hall. "Oh, and Shacklebolt, no Star Trek, and bring the Kangaroos and the Magizoologists. She also summoned the Grangers via Professor Flitwick, and flooed the Edgecombes and the Bells, as their presence was mandatory.

Fifteen minutes later, the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's Accusers, the Weasley twins, the four Acting Ensigns, and the four sets of parents were all assembled, along with a Gringotts goblin, two Magizoologists, six Australian Great Red Kickboxing Kangaroos, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Before anyone could ask why they were all required to be there, the Hall went silent after Lieutenant Datamort strode through the open doors, arm in arm with Bellatrix Lestrange. After a moment of stunned silence, the Great Hall erupted in sound.  
"SILENCIO!", roared the Headmistress, proving she wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing. 'I have called you all here because Albus Dumbledore's treachery goes far deeper than we ever suspected. I must first address Bellatrix Lestrange.

Mrs. Lestrange, your daughter has been found, in fact, you have been working alongside her for the last few months. The witch you know as Hermione Granger is your daughter, Cassiopeia Ebony Potter . The Gringotts goblins will confirm this tomorrow, after Dumbledore is dealt with. Albus Dumbledore switched her with the Actual Hermione, who was raised by the Edgecombes.

Dr. And Dr. Granger, your daughter was switched at birth with Cassiopeia Black. Although it will be difficult, you will need to work with the Edgecombes to get to know your birth daughter, and Cassiopeia needs her mother, and her brother.

Mister and Mrs. Edgecombe, Dumbledore kidnapped your daughter, and led you, and the St, Mungo's staff to believe she had died. Albus left Marietta on the Bell's front doorstep as a foundling. She is known as Katie Bell. You have been raising the true Hermione Granger. Her parents deserve to know their true daughter, and you need to get to know your own birth daughter.

Mister and Mrs. Bell, Dumbledore delivered a much wanted daughter to your doorstep. You must work with the Edgecombes, so that Katie-Marietta knows her true heritage. I have called in some Social Workers from St. Mungo's to ease the introductions of all of the girls. I am certain that Katie-Marietta, Hermione, and Cassiopeia will all flourish with the knowledge that each of them effectively has two sets of parents.  
"We will do whatever we can for our daughters", the seven parents pledged, as Harry Potter shrieked "Holy Merlin's shorts, I have an older sister - no wonder she such a bossy-boots!". "Classic sibling rivalry", muttered Snape, while Bellatrix gasped "my daughter is a Gryffindor", before screaming "Hand me the Dumbledore's Accusers sign up sheet, that old Goat is going down!".

It was a rag-tag group of warriors, Aurors, faculty, students, animals, and trainers that apparated to the Ministry of Magic at the stroke of midnight. The wand checker had been spelled to scan the wands of all assembled, simultaneously, and the "on a mission to thwart the TRUE Dark Lord" slips were swiftly dispersed to all. Bellatrix led them to designated spot, then she waited as the Aurors, the Magizoololgists, the Kickboxing Kangaroos, and the Order strategically positioned themselves, out of range of what would be Dumbledore's line of sight.  
Sirius Black was led to the Bouncing Parakeets, to reverse their magically induced conditioning. They would now land on the shoulders of the assembled students, and would wait for a command that this author won't tell you yet, she's told you enough.

Bellatrix summoned Dumbledore and her former minions, one of whom was her present daughter. Dumbledore strode over to Lestrange, smirking evilly as he locked eyes with Harry Potter. "You've done well, Bellatrix, you deserve a reward. How right is it, then, that your daughter should witness your greatest triumph?"

"I'm Bellatrix's daughter?", shrieked Weasley the youngest.

"No, you dunce, the girl you know as Hermione Granger is Cassiopeia Ebony Potter, the daughter of Bellatrix Black and James Potter", Dumbledore shouted as he released the bouncing birdies.

Things did not go as Dumbledore planned. The parakeets gently glided to all of the students, gracefully alighting on their shoulders. They didn't even poop, and parakeets LOVE to poop. Cassiopeia Potter ran to Bellatrix, who engulfed her in a heartfelt hug. They both sobbed, feeling the rightness of their bond. Minerva removed the compulsion spells Albus placed on the Mother-daughter pair, as Poppy Pomphrey has taught her to do, instantly healing their fractured minds. The duo approached Harry Potter, who joined the group hug. Minerva then removed similar compulsion spells from Ginny Weasley and Amos Diggory. (Is it just me, or does Albus Dumbledore really enjoy invading people's minds?).  
Dumbledore, momentarily stunned by the lack of parakeet action, was totally unprepared when Sirius Black whistled, and the parakeets descended upon him at breakneck speed, causing him to falter and tumble to the ground. As he hit the floor, six giant kangaroos bounded straight towards the old Coot. "I give up, take me back to St. Mungo's!", he shouted. After the kangaroos bounced back to their Magizoologist trainers, away flew the bouncing budgies, except for Cornflower. They then fell in line, bouncing behind the bounding marsupials and were collected by the Magizoologists and gently housed in specialized carriers.

Kingsley and the Aurors only took Dumbledore into custody. Kingsley reasoned that Bellatrix had been under Imperio and compulsion spells cast by Dumbledore, and had been unstable due to the loss of her betrothed and her child, both by Dumbledore's doing. The others were also under Dumbledore's spells. A potential bloodbath was averted by trusting Lieutenant Commander Datamort, another of Dumbledore's victims.

Albus was taken not to St. Mungo's, but Azkaban, to await trial for his many crimes. The Unforgivables alone were punishable by the Dementor's Kiss, and this time I will capitalize Dementors, because that kiss lasts five-ever, which is an eternity longer than forever.

"So, you're my big sister. No wonder you can't help but boss me around", Harry muttered as he was a bit squashed in a three person hug. "Just hush, little bro, this means I now have the authority to be, what is it you called me, a 'bossy boots'?", she cackled, letting a little bit of her Black heritage out to play.

"Um, Mrs. Lestrange, I believe this makes you my stepmother. Can we be friends? If not, could you at least stop plotting my death?"

"Mister Potter, you are my daughter's half-brother, and the son of my soulmate. How could I not accept you as one of my own? You don't know this, but I did not marry the man who poses as my husband. I am still Bellatrix Black, you are already a member of the House of Black by way of your godfather , please call me Aunt Bella."

Cassiopeia turned to her mother. Hesitantly, she asked her about the Grangers. "What am I to do with my, um, the Grangers?

Just then, the Grangers came to their custodial daughter and hugged her. The Edgecombes and the Bells soon followed. Mrs. Granger spoke.

"Herm- Cassiopeia, you will always be our daughter, in our hearts. The Edgecombes, and the Bells, along with my husband and I, agree that along with your birth mother, we need to come together and find a way to support all three of our daughters. Ms. Black, the Headmistress, the Mediwitch, and the Social Workers have agreed, for the short term, to have the three girls live in their own dormitory suite, with a common room and a house mother. For the first month, all three sets of parents will be housed at Hogwarts, available to all three daughters, to ease the transitions. Further parental arrangements will involve the girls, as they will soon be of age.

Bellatrix, who wiped a stray tear from her eye, nodded to the assembled parents. "Cassiopeia Ebony Potter, my daughter, I want you to know that your father and I loved you, and wanted you very much. I don't blame Lily Evans for any of this, Dumbledore imperioed my James, I'm sure he did the same to Evans. She hated him." Gazing over at Harry, she added "Harry dear, I am sure that Lily and James wanted you, and loved you, very much as well. If any good has come from this, it is that James' son has helped bring Dumbledore to justice. I am grateful to both your parents as well, Harry, for giving Britain a Savior and my daughter, a brother". With that, Bellatrix Lestrange gave her stepson, and nephew, a huge hug.

Ginny Weasley, freed from the compulsion spell placed upon her, meekly apologized to Harry, before returning to her extremely relieved parents.

"Who wants to go visit the elves in the Hogwarts kitchen and have some cookies and hot chocolate?", shouted the Headmistress to the remaining crowd. "We do", shouted all who remained, and soon they all were safely back at Hogwarts, partying with the elated house elves until well after sunrise.

Next stop, Dumbledore's trial. Or Harry's sixth year.

So, how's that for some SHIT. GETTING. REAL.?

Oh, before I forget, Cassie Potter tests out of sixth year, Harry's sixth year will be Cassie's seventh.

Later... 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Girl Stuff Gets Settled, Dumbledore Arrives at Courtroom Ten, and Tom Riddle Puts a Ring on It.

Summary:

So, the three witches work stuff out, Dumbledore arrives at Courtroom Ten, and the things get all fudged up, without Cornelius Fudge. The ring gets Dumbledore. Really. And Harry gets really embarrassed. Any more, and I'll spoil the surprise. Enjoy!

Notes:

Still not making a dime, but HOLY MERLIN, I am so happy people are enjoying this Snarrody, and I wholeheartedly thank you for reading it!

Ah, Summer at Hogwarts. Three witches whose names were not their names, and seven parents whose daughters were not their daughters were all together in one castle, which was huge as a school but small when there just wasn't enough space for all the drama. After many tears, false starts, and misunderstandings, and many, many meetings with social workers, Mind Healers, and the Headmistress, the disposition of the three witches whose lives were horribly manipulated by Albus Dumbledore had been decided.

Cassiopeia Ebony Potter chose to assume her birth name and agreed to see the Grangers during the school holidays, and to spend weekends during the school year getting to know Bellatrix Black, her mother.

Hermione Granger chose to keep the name Marietta, and assume her birth last name, meaning that she would be known as Marietta Granger. She had decided also on weekend visits with her birth parents, the Grangers, and school holidays with the Edgecombes.

Marietta Edgecombe chose to keep Katie as her first name, and took the last name Bell-Edgecombe. She would have weekend visits with the Edgecombes and school holidays with the Bells.

All of the parents decided that Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and Easter Sunday would be spent at Hogwarts, so that all the girls and parents could celebrate together.

And the girls, and their parents lived happily ever after. BORING.

This author needs more drama, and comedy. Dramedy, it's a thing. So now that the girls are sorted, it's time for Dumbledore to meet with some justice, horcrux-style.

Albus Dumbledore was locked in the dankest, stankiest, nastiest, mousiest, and all around grungiest cell in Azkaban, and he was more than miffed that a obvious genius like himself would be imprisoned under such conditions. "Potter and Snape will die for this debasement of Britain's Greatest Wizard", he grumbled one night, as the constant drip-drip-dripping of what he hoped was only water in the corner of his cell, eroded the last of his sanity.

The memory of Tom Riddle's family heirloom, a ring, filtered through his twisted mind. He had seen Tom wear it during his sixth year, and an illegal Legilimens performed during Transfigurations class showed he had gotten the ring from ransacking a hovel that was near the Riddle estate. Albus would search for the ring in that very hovel. After getting two of the three Deathly Hallows, he would find a way to isolate Harry Potter and Voldemort, and kill them both. He would then steal the invisibility cloak and be not only The Master of Death , he would would be the MOST BADASS WIZARD WHO EVER WAS! "Great Britain, you are so gonna be my bitch", he cackled maniacally, "and then, I am going to rule the world -"

"Sure you will, you crazy old codger. Shut it and take your supper!", barked the guard as he shoved a tray through the meal slot. "You will be the first to fall in the new world order!", the disgraced ex-Headmaster shouted at the guard's retreating back. "I'll show him, I'll show them all, NO ONE MESSES WITH ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE - OW OW OW".  
The megalomaniacal rant ended when Albus bit down on his tongue, thus saving the reader from several more paragraphs of the old coot's verbal spewage.

We now fast forward to the Wizarding Trial of the Century, as Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was being escorted to Courtroom Ten. With the strength of a much younger wizard, fueled by pure insanity, Dumbledore wandlessly stunned his Auror guards and rushed over to Harry Potter and Lieutenant Commander Datamort, grabbing each by the arm as he overcame the anti-apparition wards in the courtroom and the Ministry, and apparated the three of them to Marvalo Gaunt's hovel.

"Fetch the ring, Tom, NOW, or I will kill Potter right here!", Dumbledore bellowed.

Knowing the deadly protective wards he had placed on the ring were harmless against androids, Datamort strode over to its location, cleared the detritus covering it with a casual flick of his wand, and accioed the ring to him. Striding nonchalantly, he approached the rabid old wizard. "Release Harry Potter, and I will give you the ring", Datamort calmly demanded.

The moment Albus released his hold on Harry, Datamort shouted "Run, Harry!" as he tossed the ring to Dumbledore. As Harry ran, Dumbledore caught the ring, immediately collapsing to the ground, screaming "I'm melting, holy Merlin, I'm melting!" Without the assistance of a certain Potions Master, the disgraced ex-Headmaster died on the filthy hovel floor. At the moment of death, the horcrux gave up the ghost. "That bastard was a sick f €k!" it shrieked as it faded into non-existence.

Harry stood, dumbfounded, staring at the smoking remains of Albus Dumbledore, and subconsciously sending images of the scene to his secret soulmate. He really hated me, and you, and all because he wanted power. Why?", Harry asked, trembling.

"I will never understand his reasoning, young Harry, I am just pleased that we are both unharmed and that a great evil has been thwarted without violence. It is a shame, though, that such a brilliant mind was consumed with such hatred", Datamort mused.

Harry Potter summoned his Patronus, Prongs, and sent him off with a message, summoning Kingsley Shacklebolt and the aurors, and Severus Snape, to Gaunt's hovel. Within minutes, a swarm of aurors apparated outside the scene, with Shacklebolt and Snape apparating directly inside the hovel. In a furious flurry of robes, Severus rushed over to Harry, engulfing the trembling young wizard into his arms. "I am never letting you out of my sight again, my Harry", Snape murmured against Harry's mop of unruly hair.

After extracting his memories for the aurors, Harry, Severus, and Datamort apparated to Snape's dungeon quarters, Hogwarts allowed it because Lieutenant Commander Tom Riddle had delivered Wizarding Britain from the true Dark wizard. Severus Snape spoke first. "Tom Riddle, you saved my soulmate and ridded the world of the most evil wizard in memory. The least I can do is give you a new body, and help reunite your soul ", Snape stated, with feeling.

"Most loyal former servant, I have thought long and hard over what I would do after Dumbledore was finally punished, and I have decided to keep this body, and to destroy the remaining horcruxes. I like my new body, I dare say, I love my new sanity, and I do not wish to tarnish my current soul with those fragments that the evil deceased wizard commanded that I make", Lieutenant Commander Tom Riddle answered. He then turned to Harry.

"Harry Potter, my friend, I believe you are harboring a horcrux, one I did not intend to make, which lodged in you when the Headmaster imperioed me to kill your parents. I would like to see you enjoy a normal, stress free Sixth year, and I would like to teach DADA to the younger students, before we go off to find someone to rid you of it. It would give you a chance to get to know your sister, and I would finally get to teach DADA. Would that be alright with you, Harry?"

Thrilled that Tom had thought so much for his happiness, Harry quickly nodded yes before he rushed over to his android pal, hugging him in a totally manly way before rushing back to his soulmate.

Severus decided that he needed a change after five years of non-stop drama. That, and daily exposure to the exploding cauldrons of the younger students were grating on his nerves. Sixth year, he would be the professor for the Potions and DADA NEWT students, let Horace Slughorn deal with the dunderheads, now he would have the authority to zap the older dunderheads smack dap on their asses whenever they annoyed him. Furthermore, he could dock house points as he zapped them, for failing to be prepared by leaving their assets unguarded. Yes, things were looking up for Severus Snape.

Things were also very much up for Harry's "Little Harry", and Harry, although thrilled to be in the embrace of his soulmate, enveloped in his intoxicating scent, was not amused that a simple hug could arouse him so thoroughly. "Tiara and tutu, tiara and tutu", he mumbled as he really pictured the skyclad form of the Divination professor, as his Willy wilted.

Snape guffawed so loud, and so resoundingly, that the cauldrons rattled in his private lab. Harry's faced went so red that Tom couldn't refrain from chuckling. "Crimson is truly your color, my Harry", Snape murmured as he ruffled his hair. Embarrassed down to his toes, Harry mumbled something about leaving, to meet up with Ron for the rest of the summer at the Dam Troll Collective. He and his sister, Cassie Potter, had planned this trip, with the blessings of Bellatrix Black, her cousin, Sirius, the Grangers, and the Weasleys.

"Why does your face look like a ripe tomato, brother dearest?", Cassie queried, as she rushed over to her brother, checking him for injuries.

"It's nothing important, Sassy Cassie, and I'm fine, thanks for asking", the youngest Potter pouted.

"Oh, Harry, I can see that you're fine", she said as she became the second person to ruffle his unruly mane. "Would you all please stop molesting my hair", Harry shrieked, as six people began laughing at his expense, with the simultaneous entrance of Bellatrix, Molly Weasley, and the Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall.

Harry slunk over to Molly Weasley , as McGonagall approached Tom Riddle. "Is it true, Tom, is it true that Albus is really gone?", she whispered, as if afraid that saying it any louder would make Dumbledore rematerialize.

In unison, Tom Marvalo Riddle and Harry James Potter nodded solemnly. Neither wanted to sully their tongues by uttering his name.  
"Well, this seems to be the perfect time to go see Ron at the Dam Collective", announced the Weasley matriarch, as she shrunk Harry's trunk and escorted Harry, Bellatrix Black, and Cassie Potter to the fireplace. One by one, they clearly yelled "Dam Troll Collective" and flooed all the way to Denmark.

The Golden Trio would finally be a viable thing! Hooray!

Thus endeth the Chapter. 


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Snape is NOT a tenor, Troll toys are adorable, and Ron is no longer a Dunce Summary:

Severus is toiling away in his labs, waiting for Harry to return from Denmark. Dumbledore made Ron dumb, Madame Pomfrey fixed him. And Ron has a Way With Trolls.

Notes:

Money made - no, nyet, nein. The kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, thank you.

A strained falsetto was wafting its way out a certain dungeon shower. "I ain't missing you at all, since you've been gone away. I ain't missing you, no matter what my friends say", warbled a certain basso profundo, who was pining for his soulmate, the Young Man Who Lived to Make His Life Interesting, Harry Potter. Snape's misguided vocal meandering into tenor territory was so pitiful that his enchanted bathroom mirror chimed in with "Cease your pitiful bleating immediately before I shatter myself!".

"Everyone is a critic", mumbled Severus, as he shut off the water, grabbed a towel, and exited his bathroom. It had been a week since Harry and his sister Cassie (who was still a know it all, but now he was obliged to be nice to her) left for Denmark, and he was missing his Harry, purely platonically, of course. One more week and he would return, he pondered, so he decided to spend the remaining time doing the inventories for both his private and teaching laboratories, as well as the Infirmary Potion stockroom.

Over in Denmark, the Potter brother-sister duo was accompanied by Poppy Pomfrey, Bellatrix Black, Molly Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, and Draco Malfoy. Madame Pompfrey was going at the request of Molly Weasley, who suspected that Ron's deficient mental capacity was a result of spells placed upon him by the deceased Headmaster, Albus Maniacal Megalomaniac Dumbledore. Bellatrix was not ready to spend time away from her newly discovered daughter, Cassiopeia, nor her new stepson, Harry "OMG, I FINALLY HAVE A FAMILY WHO DOESN'T HATE ME" Potter. Neville, Luna and Draco never went anywhere without Harry, and truth be told, they all missed Ron.

Upon arriving by international portkey, and after being nearly flattened by hugs from all the females in attendance, Ronald Bilius Weasley was scanned for spells, compulsions, potion residues deposited in his tissues, and genetic mutations not seen on his entrance physical for Hogwarts. The printout that unfurled from the Mediwitch's wand spoke of chemical and spell-induced manipulation, the results being that Ron was forced into induced idiocy and emotional instability. Molly Weasley sobbed with relief when she read the results. Ron had been a bright, energetic and very resilient child, she was extremely worried when Ron returned for his school holidays, acting out erratically and having a diminished mental acumen.

"Poppy, please tell me this can be corrected", Molly implored the Mediwitch. "As much as I love my son, I know he has a Dam troll inheritance ONLY, my son is not a Dunce. All of my sons, except for the twins, have the inheritance, as well as Arthur, and they are all very intelligent", she continued.

"I can reverse the twisted aftermath of Dumbledore's meddling, Molly, rest assured of that. But I am curious, you, the twins and Ginevra have the same flaming red hair as your sons and your husband. I assumed you shared the inheritance."

Molly chuckled. "Poppy, my daughter, the twins and I have both a Lutin and a Leprechaun inheritance. We are the Weasleys with the quick tempers and mischievous natures."

"There hasn't been a Lutin at Hogwarts for more than a century", Poppy murmured. "Lutins and Leprechauns often intermarry", Molly continued, "the Leprechaun traits are dominant, and the inheritances go together when the child of such a union marries a wizard or witch."

"So, the flaming red hair and the temper, Ginny gets them from her creature inheritances", Cassie interjected, eager to expand her knowledge.

"She certainly does, but before you go off asking Ginevra about her heritage, her Bat Bogey hex is legendary and I won't forbid her from using it. Inheritances are private", Molly admonished the young witch.

"My daughter is curious, but I am sure she can learn more by researching the Lutins and Leprechauns on her own, than pestering her friend".

Cassie Potter rolled her eyes at her Mother, and Harry stifled a laugh, while Bellatrix smiled broadly, very much enjoying her newfound parenthood. "Cousin Sirius has an expansive library, I am sure he and Professor Lupin would enjoy having you use it. Molly and Ginevra would be welcome to go there as well, I am sure", Bellatrix offered.

.  
"I, for one, don't want to be zapped in the arse if Ginny ever finds out that I am reading up on her heritage. And I have personal knowledge of that hex, Cassie, so do your research privately, or you won't be able to sit for a week. It made going to the little wizards room a challenge, and I'm a wizard and can stand up to take a pee-".

Harry was cut off by Molly, screeching "Harry James Potter, use that potty mouth again, and I'll take you over my knee and spank you, followed by a week's course of 'Old Granny's Dirty Potty Mouth Fixer Elixir'! There are ladies present, Harry-"

"Oi, Mom, did you forget me over here?", Ron interrupted, with an impeccable sense of timing that he didn't have at Hogwarts. Harry was impressed, and gave his old friend a wink. Neville, Luna, Harry, and Cassie rushed over to Ron, stunned that he seemed like a normal wizard.

Malfoy smirked. "So, the youngest Weasel male has a brain - congratulations, Ron, you're a real wizard now", he drawled.

"My Ronnie is back to normal?", whispered Molly, who had been too afraid to hope for a cure. "Not only is he back to normal, my mediscans show a strong magical core, a very fine mind, and just talking to him now, a very analytical intellect. With concentrated tutoring at Hogwarts, by seventh year, he will be caught up with Misters Potter, Longbottom and Malfoy", proclaimed the Mediwitch. "As my work here is complete, I will take an international floo back to Hogwarts, where the Headmistress will arrange for your tutoring. I will see you on August 25th, Mister Weasley, when your placement testing will begin. Farewell!

The Mediwitch with mostest, who was too modest to boast it, turned on her heel and apparated to the designated floo station. "Madame Pomfrey is my hero, she knows everything", mumbled Cassie. "Daughter mine, what is a hero?", Bellatrix queried, clearly confused. "A hero is a Muggle term for a person with superhuman powers", Cassie answered, thinking she had explained herself adequately. One look at Bellatrix shot that thought down in flames. "To Muggles, we have superhuman powers, does that make us heroes?", Bellatrix chuckled, enjoying this intellectual exchange with her daughter. "A hero uses his superpowers for the betterment of Muggle kind", Cassie countered, not willing to lose this little contest of words.

Molly jumped into the conversation, still hugging her son, who himself was turning beet red from all the maternal fussing. "As much as I'm sure we'd all love to discuss super Muggles, I for one would like to see the Collective gift shop. I can't quite believe that the toy trolls that the members make have become such muggle favorites".

Later, in the shop, Harry set his eyes upon the most amazing toy troll - this specimen had long dark hair, dark brown eyes, a prominent nose, long black robes, and black boots, and his face bore an adorable smirk. He was stirring a large black cauldron. If Severus Snape were a Danish troll, this would be him. "I must have this one, money is no object!", Harry loudly proclaimed, drawing the attention of all of his friends, as well as Bellatrix Black, and Molly Weasley. All but two of their party stared at the toy in question, before spontaneously laughing like a pack of hyenas. "It's Severus Snape", Bellatrix cackled, clearly thinking that for once, she was towering over him. "I made him, for Harry", Ron said proudly. "Do you think I made his nose big enough?", he snickered.

The group erupted in laughter, some had tears rolling down their eyes, they were laughing that raucously. "Okay now, 'children', calm down", Molly stated, although she was amongst those with tears rolling down her cheek. "Mrs. Weasley, I do believe your leprechaun side is showing", Luna stated, before following with "watch out for the four leaf clover hoppers, they're frolicking in your hair". Harry had intended to defend his soulmate's troll's honor, but he lost his train of thought and almost wet his pants, laughing at the imagery Luna provided.

Ron directed the group to the troll toys he had made, one for each of his friends. They were gifts, so no money changed hands, but Ron kept quiet about the attributes these trolls had that made them suitable for their intended recipients. He handed each troll out individually.  
Cassie got hers first. The toy sprung to life, waving its right arm frantically. "Call on me, call on me, I know absolutely everything in 'Hogwarts, a History'", it squealed, and then fell silent. The former Hermione sputtered in protest, but her mother patted her shoulder while chuckling along with the others. She had seen Cassie in action, that troll was speaking solid truth.

Draco was next in line. The troll toy whipped out a mirror and started preening his platinum blond mane. "Why do people keep calling me ferret?", it whined, before it too fell silent. "It takes a Weasel to know a ferret, both are in the same animal family", Draco huffed, as he started playing with the troll's hair.

Neville, feeling brave, followed Draco. A cute, chubby-cheeked troll was holding a Mimbulus mimbletonia, with a Cornish pixie perched atop his head. As Neville accepted the toy troll, the pixie flew into the trolls face, the plant spewed its stinky sap between his eyes, and the toy sighed "Why is it always me?". It had a charm that then vanished the sap. Neville couldn't help but grin.

Luna was next. Her troll had gossamer fine blond hair, a long flowing gown, and was wearing a miniature butterbeer cork necklace. "With this necklace, the Nargles have stopped stealing my homework", the toy announced in an ethereal voice. "I wonder what works against the Underpants Gnomes, they keep taking my knickers", Luna mused, totally missing the dropped jaws of those assembled.

"Well, it seems that Dumbledore couldn't squash your creativity, Ron. I think we need to go to your dorm here, to collect your things. As lovely as the collective is, I'd like to see more of Wizarding Denmark with you, my newly restored son, and your friends.

The following week was spent in Copenhagen. Hans Christian Andersen was Cassie Potter's favorite author, she had introduced Ron to his fairy tales when they were at Hogwarts together, and he introduced the stories to his family. The group was so captivated by the city that it made no difference that they were in Muggle Denmark, they wanted to see Andersen's homeland.

Fast forward to July 31st, Harry's birthday, because this author knows very little about Denmark, and because the age of consent in her home state is 16, so she'll be less likely to run, screaming from her iPad, when Harry or Severus gets a stiffy. Still, no hanky panky until graduation, though. Even then, it'll be like those black and white movies, where the only indication that naked fun time has occurred is the shot of the breeze blowing through the open bedroom window, ruffling the curtains. All this because the author went to a Catholic women's college run by nuns. She has more issues than Vogue, people!

Harry knocked on the door of his personal Potions heartthrob, Severus Snape, holding out the Severus Snape Mini-Me troll, complete with widdershins-stirring action. The troll was thrust into Snape's hands. It immediately stirred the Cauldron twice, widdershins, before looking up at Severus and murmuring "Detention, my quarters, ten o'clock. Twenty points to Gryffindor if you wear your green robes, they bring out your eyes". Harry gasped, and Snape's eyebrows shot up almost to his hairline.

"Holy Circe's pink fishnet stockings, I swear I had nothing to do with that. Ron made it", Harry stammered.

Snape took a deep breath. That damn Dam troll had just spewed out his inner monologue. Until Harry was 18, Snape was determined that their relationship remain chaste.

Note : Those sexy Veelacorns reach final physical maturity when their younger soulmate turns 18. They enter that phase together, and then a whole lotta anatomical changes rain down on them, complicated for both, but the non-dominant partner changes more drastically, for he can bear young. We'll discuss this more later, in a way so clinical that it won't remotely resemble sexy sexy play time. (Repressed author, I can't stress that enough).

Severus opened his arms to Harry, after levitating the toy troll to sit on his lab desk. With a few modifications, it could be an extra set of eyes in the Potions classroom. They embraced briefly, before Harry settled in his dungeon room. Good night, my Harry, Snape murmured as the door closed. Harry's birthday gift would just have to wait.

Thus endeth the Chapter. Yay. Again. 


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Dumbledore's Diary, and a Personal Note Summary:

Dumbledore left a diary behind. Damn, that man was twisted. And a personal note.

The Why of the False Prophecy, aka Dumbledore's Diary

August 25th, 1996 came quickly. It was back to Hogwarts Day for Ronald Weasley and Cassie Potter, who had arrived early for placement testing, before Ronald Weasley began intensive tutoring to bring him up to sixth year standards, and Cassie Potter started seventh year. A lot of boring exams were administered, and voilà, Cassie was promoted to seventh year. Ron was assigned a full time tutor, Professor Slughorn, who decided tutoring paid better than performance art as a loveseat in Knockturn Alley.

And now we fast forward to the end of the annual "Shit, those little bastards are returning to Hogwarts" staff meeting, which has just concluded. As the faculty made their hasty retreat, Headmistress Minerva McGonagall grabbed Professor Severus Snape before he could escape. "Severus, I must speak with you. Would you please step into my private office, these walls have ears", she asked, as she guided him to her office. "Well, I never", sputtered one of the portraits, which earned it a rapid-fire "you're dead, you old harpy, therefore you never will" from a clearly ticked off Snape.

After locking and warding the doors, the walls, the floors, the windows and the ceiling, McGonagall sat at her desk, and waited for Severus to sit in the chair opposite her. She opened a desk drawer, and withdrew a leather bound journal. Silently, she handed it to Snape. He took it, scanning it with his wand for curses, charms, and wards, before opening it.

On the inside cover, written in bold red ink, was "The Diary of Albus Dumbledore, Savior of Wizarding Britain and Future King of England".  
"Minerva, please forgive me, but I am in no mood to sift through the musings of a maniac", he snarled. Curbing his anger, he asked "is there anything of importance you can summarize for me, please?".

Minerva then proceeded to give him the Reader's Digest condensed version of the contents.

There were two wizards that were more powerful than Dumbledore at the time of the prophecy - Thomas Riddle and Severus Snape. Dumbledore wanted them dead, but needed a plan that made him look blameless.

There was one wizard who was suspicious of Dumbledore, James Potter, the head of the Death Eater Task force. Dumbledore was the first responder to many supposed Death Eater raids. The evidence that the task force collected was often inconsistent with what the old wizard reported, but as there were never any survivors, or witnesses of these attacks, he could not prove that Dumbledore was behind them.  
Severus Snape was still a close friend of Lily Potter, and was civil with James. He was working undercover with the aurors, posing as Voldemorts potion purveyor. During one of his visits to the Potters, James told him of his suspicions regarding Dumbledore. Neither saw Peter Pettigrew, who was hiding behind the china cabinet, spying on them. Peter took the content of this conversation to his true Master, evil old Albus.

Dumbledore was livid. He called on his closest confidante, Sybill Trelawney, and between them, cooked up this cockamamie prophecy. With the performance of her lifetime, Trelawney would fell three wizards with one proverbial stone, and Albus Dumbledore would be the hero. All he had to do was to get Tom Riddle to kill the Potters. James Potter and his wife would be dead, killing the task force. Severus Snape would kill himself, out of grief, after Lily's murder. Albus would sweep in after the murders and follow the first rule of assassination - kill the assassin. Everything would be blamed on Voldemort.

Voldemort went straight for the baby, Harry, as he was imperioed to do. James was struck first, guarding Lily and the baby. Lily, who was holding Harry tightly against her bosom, was struck second, but as she fell, a shimmering shield formed around Harry. Dumbledore, who was hiding behind a curtain, was furious that the child survived, believing the direct hit to Lily should have killed Harry. Albus revealed himself, casting Avada Kedrava on the infant. The killing curse struck the shield and rebounded, hitting Voldemort instead, thus reducing him to a spectral shell. Harry was left with Tom's horcrux, skin deep protection against Dumbledore, and no parents. Dumbledore was left to tell the tragic story of the Potters and the Boy Who Lived.

Unbeknownst to Dumbledore. Snape had been present for all of it, under James' Invisibility Cloak, but had been so broken by the senseless murders that he slipped out of the house, and immediately suppressed the memory of the events, drinking himself into a stupor before going to Dumbledore, pleading for a chance at redemption.

Knowing he couldn't kill Harry himself, Albus placed Harry with the Dursleys. He was hoping they would do what he could not, kill Harry Potter, either through neglect or violence.

Dumbledore had been as surprised as Harry was, when the letters from Hogwarts went to 4 Privet Drive. He sent Hagrid to Harry, hoping the half-giant would crush him to death. When that didn't work, he brought in Quirrel.

"The rest, as they say, is History", Minerva finished, as she stared into the eyes of Britain's most competent Legilimens, willing him to verify the truth behind her words.

"Minerva, I trust you and would never violate your privacy. I do need to know, why did you tell me this", he asked, as he observed the concern permeating from her very soul.

"Severus, please take yourself, and young Harry, to the Infirmary, and request that Poppy run full diagnostic scans on the both of you. I fear that Albus may have cast spells and charms on the both of you. I remember you as a shy and studious student, Severus, with a pleasant demeanor and a clever wit. The Marauders couldn't even break your spirit. When you went undercover with the aurors, and had to work more closely with Albus, something changed. The rancor you carried into your adulthood far exceeded that which was required for your undercover work, I suspect Albus was responsible. Promise me, Severus, that you will both see Poppy", Minerva pleaded.

"I will collect Harry from his quarters and report to the Infirmary immediately, Minerva, you have my word. May I ask what you intend to do with the diary?"

"I am handing it over to Madame Bones, she was never fond of Dumbledore or his tactics. I trust her to report the relevant content to the appropriate authorities. It should insure that Mister Pettigrew will never leave Azkaban."

"Minerva, I thank you for sharing this information with me. Please allow me to express my sorrow, that you had to learn of the treachery of this wizard you once called a close friend and confidante", Severus reverently stated, for he held the Headmistress in high regard.

"I had myself checked thoroughly by Poppy, and the amount of magical residue left by that old goat was a real eye-opener. I wonder if any of my regard for him was genuine", she sighed, thankful that Severus remained a true friend.

Acting on pure impulse, the Potion Master embraced the Headmistress, hoping his deep regard for her would reflect in this gesture. Upon releasing her, Minerva flashed a broad smile, and shooed Severus from the office. "He is the son I never had", she reflected silently, as Snape was thinking "Minerva is the Mother I wished I had". Aww, warm, fuzzy time!

And now, for something completely different.

This is the writer speaking directly to you, the reader. Life can change on a dime. I just learned that my sister has an aggressive form of breast cancer. She is my younger sister.

Please, if you could, please pray for her, and for all women and men struggling with cancer. Thank you.

The next installment will be much more upbeat. This chapter is all about scanning for health issues. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Otters and Weasels and Minks, Oh My!

Summary:

Sixth Year comes to Harry, Draco and Ron. Tom has given Draco an epic quest. Harry is determined to help. Oh my.

Notes:

I just playing with HRH JKR's characters, she gets all the moolah.

The Back to School Party held by Dumbledore's Vanquishers was finally breaking up after many hours of raucous merry-making. Severus Snape had left before Harry, exhausted by the countless retelling of the insanely complex scheme that removed Dumbledore from their earthly realm. Harry was about to retire to Snape's dungeon lair, when he overheard a frantic exchange between his fellow Acting Ensign, Draco Malfoy, and Tom Riddle.

"Draco, you must do this to prove yourself worthy", Tom Riddle murmured to the clearly flustered blonde. "Where is the famed Malfoy confidence now, young dragon? This is important, you will succeed, I will not accept defeat", the former Dark Lord, former back of Quirrell's head, former Furby, former Bending Unit Robot, and present Wizard Android quietly commanded.

Harry strode up to the whispering wizards and boldly stated "Is there anything I can do to help either of you?". Draco blushed, while Tom gave the Veelacorn an appraising look, before declaring that Potter lacked the necessary characteristics to properly aid the young Malfoy in his epic quest to further the name of Malfoy.

"What, are you running for office, Draco? Can ferrets be elected to the Ministry?", Harry snarked, clearly goading his pal.

"You might say he is offering himself up for a position", Tom teased, as Draco chose that very moment to make a very hasty retreat, his face brick red with embarrassment, although he he did manage to punch Harry in the arm as he fled.

"Cut Draco a break, Harry. In order for Draco to succeed at his task, he must put aside years of prejudice and approach people as equals. It will be the ultimate test of endurance. Don't give him a hard time, he really needs his friends to help him".

"Okay, I'll lay off teasing my favorite little ferret. I do hope he'll clue me in, though, I hate mysteries", Harry mumbled as he exited the Room of Requirement, striding down the well worn path to his soulmate's dungeon abode.

"Sev, do you know anything about an epic quest, given to Draco, by Tom Riddle? , Harry blurted out as he rushed into the Potion Master's office.

Sexy Severus Snape was, at that exact moment, asleep over a stack of parchments, summer homework by the look of the red slash marks on the top parchment. Harry silently levitated him to his bed chamber, wandlessly turning down the covers while using his wand to lay him down onto the bed.

The boy who hated mysteries shrugged his shoulders and decided to go to the Gryffindor common room, where he would, unbeknownst to Harry, get the key to the mystery without having to search, break rules, or wear his invisibility cloak.

Harry emerged through the Fat Lady's portrait, and stood stock still, hearing the whispering of his best friend, Ron Weasley, and the recently mentally healed Ginny. He was worried she might still be pining for him, so he shamelessly eavesdropped, hiding under a notice me not charm.

"Ron, do you remember when we were really little, when we would visit Dad at the Ministry?", Ginny murmured, clearly fighting exhaustion from the party. Ron nodded, clearly wondering if there was a point to her question, and if so, when she would get to it.

"I loved the playroom there. Children of Ministry officials, all playing together, no blood status, no Hogwarts Houses, it was the way the whole of Wizarding Britain should have been. I miss those days. And I really miss my Little Otter. I wonder if he still remembers, that he once loved me", Ginny mumbled.

"Little Otter - wait, Ginny, you used to call Draco Malfoy your little otter. Are you pining over Draco?", Ron gasped, coming to full wakefulness just as Harry lifted his disillusionment charm and noisily entered the common room.

Harry used his brain and put the two conversations he overheard together. Ferrets, Weaslettes, Otters, what an Otterly fascinating topic - perhaps the ferret and the weaselette were soulmates. There was only one way to prove it, though.

"Ginny, Ron, tomorrow morning, it being Saturday, why don't we go down to Slytherin Central and summon Draco to Sev's office.". After all the plotting and scheming of the last few months, Harry felt it high time to consult a Professor, one with expertise with the fabled Soulmate Confirmation Philtre. Draco would be able to fulfill his task without wounding his pride - much. Harry chuckled to himself. He dearly wanted to see Draco blush again.

Severus woke up to pounding at his dungeon door. Throwing a robe over his nightshirt (he had awoken, fully dressed, hours after he had been levitated, and changed into his sleeping attire), he flung open the door, and saw - nothing. As he was about to slam the door, Harry and friends decloaked, and Harry caught the door before it could close. Severus huffed as he opened the door and ushered them in.

"What was so important that you felt the need to pound on my door?", Severus growled.

Sev, Ginny here is pining for Draco, having been very fond of him before Hogwarts (the "and Dumbledore" remained unsaid, although they all thought it). And Draco, well he was blushing up a storm as Tom sent him on an epic quest to further the Malfoy name. I can't help but think that it is winning the fair hand of Miss Ginny Weasley. I could just stalk Draco and weasel the truth out of him, but I just can't do that to my friend. Would you please summon Draco and give the two of them the Soulmate Confirmation Philtre?, Harry pleaded.

Harry was wearing a woeful expression that Severus found irresistible, so the Potions Master complied, striding off to the Slytherin Sixth Year dormitory to rouse Malfoy from his slumber.

Draco Malfoy, in all his sleep-rumpled glory, shuffled into Snape's quarters, only to snap to full wakefulness as he observed the gathered students. It took just one glance at Ginny for Draco's complexion to redden furiously.

"I doubt we need a Potion to verify these two are Soulmates", Snape whispered to his beloved. No sooner had the words left his mouth, when Ginny Weasley ran to Draco, hugging him tightly murmuring "My Little Otter, do you still love your Little Mink?".

"I never stopped, my Little Mink", Draco murmured.

Sixth year otherwise passed uneventfully for Harry Potter, because he was still too young for sexy bouncy bouncy time with Snape, and he had his NEWT classes to worry about. Ron got caught up academically with his classmates. Cassie, Marietta and Katie spent oodles of time with all the parents, and all involved were present when that trio graduated. The three went off to Wizarding Oxford University. Bellatrix took over teaching DADA for the following year, as Tom was doing his Masters in Muggle film studies at Wizarding NYU. He was particularly interested in the new phenomenon of reality television, and wondered if he could apply his studies to bring television to Wizarding Britain. Hogwarts After Hours, following the Professors in their private moments - that could be a thing!

And his horcruxes - he destroyed every last one of them, except the one within Harry. He was working with both Snape and Pomfrey to come up with a treatment that would first liberate, then capture, and finally destroy the last evil remnant of his Dumbledore-infested past. They would not even approach Harry until he obtained his creature inheritance and was of age.

Thus endeth the latest installment. Next stop - Seventh Year, Graduation or bust! 


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Psst - Are You There, Reader, it's Me, Harry. With Sexy Sev.  
Summary:

Harry breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to you, dear readers. Severus tries to inject some gravitas. I'll let you all decide if Severus succeeded. Oh, and Twilight Sparkle's in the house! Woot!

Notes:

Money. Such a beautiful thing. Too bad I'm not making any, JKR is, 'cause it's her intellectual property. Trust me, there's nothing intellectual here.

"Psst. Hey, you, reader. No, you're not hearing voices, this is Me, Harry Potter.

The writer of this so-called "Snarrody" told you a HUGE FRIGGIN' LIE about my Sixth Year at Hogwarts. She also got the timing of the Veelacorn creature inheritance for half-bloods WRONG. Seriously, a little fact-checking wouldn't go amiss here.

Here's the scoop. First off, my Sixth Year was not uneventful. It was anything BUT uneventful, and it was all due to Veelacorn Biology.

Pure-blood Veelacorns do not exist. The "purest" Veelacorns are half-bloods. Sev explained to me once, but it flew over my head like the Conchord over Heathrow Airport. Half-blood wizards who are Veelacorns come into their inheritance at 17, not 18. Muggle-born Veelacorns get theirs at 18."

"Harry, I hate to interrupt you here, but if you'll allow me, I'll explain the delicate subject of nocturnal equine transformation. And because our clearly air-headed writer forgot to mention why Draco Malfoy is Ginny Weasley's Little Otter, while Ginny is Draco's Little Mink, I'll tell the readers the why of the nicknames first.

Draco and Ginny would become so excited whenever they were together in the Ministry playroom, that they regularly experienced bouts of wild magic. Draco would transform into an otter, Ginny would transform into a mink, and the two would frolic in the playroom in their unintentional Animagus forms. It happened enough times that they became known as Little Otter and Little Mink.  
Once they came to Hogwarts, Dumbledore stopped their play and put enough compulsion spells on them to ensure their mutual hatred of the other.

Now onto the discussion of nocturnal equine transformation. Young Veelacorns, in the year prior to coming into their inheritance, experience spontaneous bursts of Veelacorn magic while asleep. The burst instantly awakens them, only to find themselves with one of many magical equine attributes. One night a golden horn crops up, mid-forehead. Another night, a Veelacorn will awake, heart pounding thunderously, to the sound of his bed collapsing as the now four-legged half-man, half horse exceeds the weight limits for the Hogwarts-issue dorm bed. Some nights, he will find himself incapable of producing human speech, whinnying piteously. Worst of all, some nights, he'll awake with a mane, a swishing tail, and hooves for feet. That transformation, unlike the others, does not disappear when the sun rises-"

"Can you imagine your friends following you around, neighing and doing their Monty Python horse impersonations, 'cause they are wizards and can conjure coconut shell halves? Really picture that scenario, because a good chunk of my Sixth Year mornings started that way. So. Not. Cool. Especially with my loving (NOT) sister leading the charge. My soulmate trying to reassure me, saying that they are just jealous of my inheritance, just doesn't cut it.

The Gred and Forge Fiesta Cheese Shreads that I sprinkled on Cassie's tacos on Taco Tuesdays, now they were the perfect edible vengeance. This product was not only delicious, it compelled Cassie to throw down her sombrero and break out in a Mexican Hat Dance whenever ANYONE said 'please pass the salsa'. As you can imagine, there was a lot of salsa passed around those nights. And as smart as my dear sister appears to BE, she never caught on that my offer to make her tacos "just the way she likes them" always resulted in Cassie spending most of dinner time performing the Mexican folk dance. Ah, what tasty, tasty vengeance.

And let me tell you, waking up with four legs, two arms, and a broken bed really sucks ostrich eggs. If you have to wake up to a broken bed and wearing the lower half of a horse, you want to have done some nighttime "boom chicka bow wow" with your soulmate before waking up with a crash.

Aunt Bellatrix and Tom took pity on me, and pranked Hermione when she stepped up to receive her Hogwarts diploma. Using their combined magic, they transformed Cassie into Twilight Sparkle, from the My Little Pony Muggle animated television series, just as she approached Headmistress McGonagall. The Headmistress herself had approved of this beforehand, since she had long grown tired of Cassie's taunting, and felt that one last lesson before accepting her diploma would give her a well-deserved dose of humility.

Holy Merlin's wife's tiara, it was HILARIOUS! Cassie was clip-clopping all over the dais, snorting mightily, while every single student in attendance took out their coconut shells, and provided a hearty percussion beat as she was levitated off the dais by Professors Flitwick and Hagrid. Aunt Bellatrix made it clear that she had earned that punishment. She didn't even punish me for the enchanted cheese. I love having a Mom!

So, Severus, come July 31st, you and I become super sexy Veelacorns. Do you wanna giddy up to the nearest stable and frolic, equine style?"  
"Harry James Potter, I promised Molly Weasley, your Aunt Bellatrix, your Dogfathers, and the Headmistress that you would remain untouched until you graduate, and I am a man of my word."

"Ah, yes, my soon to be stallion, but you will no longer be a man on July 31st, will you? You and I transform together-"

"Okay, you two, I have given over the iPad as you requested, but when an underage Veelacorn/wizard propositions his soulmate in full view of this writer, I'm gonna yell "foul" and wrestle said iPad out of his horny little hooves. Go stand in the corner, Harry. And Severus, aren't there Potion ingredients that you could be cataloging and shelving? Those ingredients aren't gonna shelve themselves.

I swear, these hormonally charged Magical folk, it's amazing there aren't a lot more of them. I should turn the hose on the whole lot of them."

And with that, this writer's inner monologue dropped the proverbial mike and stalked offstage. BAM! 


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Seventh Year. Such Libido. Such Angst. Such LANGUAGE! or a Horny Harry is NOT a Happy Harry.

Summary:

Harry is not a happy boy. He is frustrated, and tired of being ignored. Seventh year has never been so pitiful. Oh, and Minerva wants to be a Grandmother.

Notes:

I gotta win the lottery, because writing with other author's characters pays all of DIDDLY SQUAT!

September 1st. Harry Potter's Seventh Year. Ron and he were best mates, along with Draco, Neville, Luna and Ginny. Cassie had gone off to University, thus ending her torment of The Veelacorn Who Nocturnally Transformed. Without his sister leading the charge, no one had the desire to tease him. The coconut shells used to torment him, were converted into coconut shell bras, which were to be mandatory issue for female upper class students, along with grass skirts, at Hogwarts' first ever Valentines Day prom. Its theme was to be "Romance by the Sea", and after much debate, it was decided that the faculty would not be in costume. All one had to do is imagine Professor Sprout and Headmistress McGonagall in coconut bras and grass skirts, and that decision made perfect sense.

Harry should have been thrilled - peace abounded, he had family, friends, and no tormenting, but alas, he was one sorry dude.

Severus Snape, his usually TOTALLY COOL Veelacorn Soulmate, was giving himself, and Harry, Veelacorn transformation inhibitor potion. Harry was a legal adult, the age of consent for bouncy sexy fun time, and Severus just tore away the keys to fun time, with nary a thought to Harry's opinion on the matter. Sometimes, Harry felt like a neutered tomcat, although he knew he was actually way, or was that neigh, worse off. The formerly intact feline could still fellate his twig without his berries, while not even magic would allow the Golden Boy to do the same.

"You are one sick writer - you want Harry Potter to blow a tomcat?"

"In the name of all that is Magic, SHUT UP, INNER MONOLOGUE! I obviously meant Harry's inability to suck his own prick!"

"Language-"

"Whatever"

Where was I - oh yes, Harry and Severus, chemically inhibited, basically behaving platonically. "Just shoot me now", Harry moaned, as he was about sit his sorry self down at the Gryffindor table.

A spit ball hit Harry squarely between the eyes. "Always happy to oblige, Harry Potty", cackled Peeves as he zoomed away.

The spit ball was followed by a piercing pain in his left arse cheek. "What the actual fark is THIS?", Harry screamed, as he pulled a small arrow from his arse. A giggling Cupid simpered "I'm only doing what you asked, sweetie!", before flitting up into the rafters.

"I swear, sometimes it sucks to be me", Harry mumbled, at the precise moment that Draco and Ginny arrived for the Welcoming Feast. "Aw, poor Potty, bemoaning your continuing virginity, how do you survive your forced celibacy?, Draco drawled, with all the bravado of a wizard who was regularly frolicking with his soulmate.

"Geez, Draco, why don't you say it louder, I think the Great Squid missed it", Harry moaned, skipping brick red and going straight to ultraviolet.

Harry winced as he sat on his recently pierced buttock. He looked up to the Head Table, just as Severus Snape strode into the Great Hall, from the Professor's entrance. They locked eyes for a long moment, before Harry hid his face in his hands, wishing the night to be over and his stiffy to disappear.

Although the inhibitor he was taking totally stopped the nocturnal equine transformations, it did absolutely NOTHING for his libido. And Snape's refusal to even hug him after Potions class had Harry perpetually horny, and not even with the totally RAD golden horn he would have if Snape would just let him be his Veelacorn self.

With all this frustration, Harry was stroking his stiffy several times a day. It had gotten so out of hand (in his hand?), that poor Harry's disco stick had friction burns. Harry was most fortunate that Madame Pomfrey's code of ethics prevented her from disclosing to Professor Snape who was requiring the massive quantities of Wee Willy Winky's Willy Restorer. For such a brilliant man, he really could be clueless in matters of the heart, and the horny.

Oh, forgive me, I got a little distracted there. Where were we - ah, yes, the Welcoming Feast. The seventh years had skipped the sorting. Ginny and Draco were paired up, Neville and Luna were paired up, even Ron and Lavender Brown were paired up, and they were all being super affectionate, while a dejected Harry performed a wandless, wordless "Stupefy" on his Kibbles and Bits.

The Headmistress rose and stepped up to the podium, clearing her throat before the traditional Welcoming Feast Speech.

Harry took one last look at his "steadfastly ignoring him" Soulmate, stood up from his seat, and yelled "Phuck you, Severus Snape. I have taken that phucking Potion for the last phucking time. If you don't want me, I'll phucking find someone who phucking does!". With that, Harry ran, sobbing, from the Great Hall, summoned his Firebolt, and flew off into the night.

No student dared make a sound after that. "Severus Tobias Snape, report to my office IMMEDIATELY! Students, report to your common rooms, the house elves will deliver your meals. After the students left the hall, McGonagall asked Poppy to join her and Snape, in her office. She sent a Patronus to Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, informing them to expect Harry's imminent arrival.

The ride up the revolving stair case was a tense one. Upon entering the office, Minerva locked and sound proofed her office. She took a deep, cleansing breath, before addressing the dour Potions Master. "Severus, you are a brilliant man. How could you be so very ignorant to the nature of your specific creature inheritance?".

Snape was floored. "Whatever do you mean, Headmistress?"

McGonagall spoke to Severus as she would to a small child. "Why have you suppressed your, and Harry's creature transformations? And why are the two of you not yet bonded?"

"The Hogwarts Code of Ethics expressly forbid Professor/Student relationships, it is clearly stated on page 485, paragraph 2, third line down".

"Had you read further, you would have seen that creatures and true soulmates are permitted to be with their mates, provided that they are of age."

Severus shrugged. He ached for his soulmate, but he had held back. He thought he could detect a foreign presence, possibly two, whenever he was physically close to Harry. It worried him. Were there multiple creatures in Harry's makeup, or were spirits possessing him? Was he housing the Horcruxes of Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore? He decided to come clean to Minerva. He needed answers.

Minerva listened carefully, and ruminated on what she'd heard. "Severus, you and Harry are true soulmates. A preliminary heart bond should calm his emotions to a manageable level. You won't be able to ascertain more until Tom Riddle returns from his studies this December. You and Harry will share common quarters, but you will have separate bedrooms. Once this question of possible spirits sharing his soul is settled, you WILL soul bond with your mate. You need each other, forced separation will harm you. On a personal note, it goes without saying, that I want grandchildren."

Snape was stunned. He silently nodded at the Headmistress, before fleeing the office.

"Minerva, why did you ask me here?"

"Poppy, if that boy failed to see sense, I was going to let my inner tabby loose all over his sorry hide. You were here to repair him, my friend!"  
Both women snickered as they set out for the kitchens. No way were these women going to deprive themselves of the best perk of the positions - House Elven Feast Fare- it was time to seriously chow down!

Severus Snape slinked up the stairs to 12 Grimmauld Place, hoping Minerva was correct regarding Harry's whereabouts. He sent his doe Patronus in search of Remus Lupin. Severus knew that Lupin would listen to him without prejudice, and would keep Sirius from skinning Severus alive.

Remus led him into the library. Snape wasted no time in telling Lupin of his concerns, and why he had himself, and Harry, take the inhibitor potion.

"Let me see if I get this straight", Lupin began. "You recently began to sense another presence, possibly more than one, whenever you and Harry were close. You stated it, or they, did not seem malevolent, but you couldn't be sure, because on the night of his parent's murders, and Tom's obliteration, conditions were present for the creation of two Horcruxes, one from Dumbledore, one from Riddle. Until you knew the nature of these "presences", you felt it would be unwise to proceed with your soul bond, which requires your full Veelacorn transformation. Did I miss anything?", Remus somewhat smugly queried, knowing damn well that he hadn't.

"Only that I am even more frustrated than your godson. I've had quite a few more years of mateless angst", Snape grumbled.

"Harry, you have a visitor", Remus called out. "Padfoot, SIT! Stay until I call for you!", Remus commanded, knowing that Sirius was sitting on his haunches, right outside the library.

Harry, head cast downward, shuffled in. He had heard everything. Severus kneeled in front of him, looking up into Harry's puffy, tear-streaked face. "Oh my Harry, I didn't know how to voice my concerns without frightening you. Please forgive me!", Severus begged, hating himself for letting the other half of his heart feel unloved.

"Do you really think I have two horcruxes inside me?, Harry whispered shakily, trying to keep from completely falling apart.

"I don't truly think you house any part of Albus Dumbledore's soul, but he did kill Riddle's body when he tried to Avada Kedavra your infant self, so the possibility exists. The same possibility exists from the AK your mother took. What has me wondering, though, is that these presences do not remotely feel evil.

The Headmistress has decreed that we should undergo a heart bonding. It is the step before a soul bond. We would share quarters, but have separate bedrooms. There would be nothing more that kissing, any more would be too risky, until we know what we are dealing with. When Tom Riddle returns for semester break, we will identify these entities, and remove them. The very moment that happens, Minerva McGonagall will complete our spiritual bonding. After that, we will commence with the bouncy sexy fun time, although I prefer to call it making love to my eternal soulmate."

Harry flashed a multi megawatt smile and hugged his man so hard that Severus struggled to take in a breath. "When will Tom be back?", Harry chirped.

"Three and half months, young man, during which time you will be studying for NEWTS, and helping to design our new home - accommodations will have to be made for our equine forms".

Perhaps Firenze can assist us", Harry offered. Firenze had been hired to teach Divination after Trelawney had been unmasked as a fraud.  
Having the steady support of his friends, the love of his family, and the adoration of his soulmate, Harry flourished the first term of Seventh year. He still had the occasional raging boner, but Severus kept Harry supplied with the necessary Potions to calm his trouser snake. He took the inhibitor Potions as well, because bed replacement was flipping expensive.

Tom had just returned from across the pond, home for Winter break, after a semester at Wizarding NYU. Plans for "Hogwarts After Hours" were in full swing, he'd just gotten approval for that to be his Master's thesis. Riddle planned to spend his break removing the last two of his horcruxes, one in Nagini, and one in Harry Potter, before returning to the States.

The plan to remove his last Horcruxes was a complicated one. Harry was to be scanned by Madame Pomfrey, after Nagini was successfully scanned by a Magiherpetologist. Nagini was to be scanned first, as she selflessly had volunteered to be the test subject for removing a Horcrux from a living host. She had grown quite fond of Harry, especially after he gifted his Australian Bouncing Budgie to her. The two familiars were thick as thieves, and were working with Cecil the Basilisk, to teach him to turn down his death beam stare.

Cecil was one lonely Basilisk. He had accidentally killed the very first young girl he tried to befriend. He spent many a year, slithering through the water pipes, bemoaning his crippling loneliness. Nagini had befriended him, trying to tame him, but she could not see how desperate he was for a human friend. When the only living Parselmouth, Tom Riddle, failed to befriend the lonely serpent, Cecil escaped the Chamber of Secrets and ran into Myrtle. She took one look at him, and died. Horrified, he swiftly retreated to the Chamber, refusing any more contact from Nagini.

Fast forward from that juicy slice of back story, because we'll get back to them in the Epilogue.

After a battery of tests and scans performed by the Magizoologist, Nagini was found not to be a living Horcrux. She possessed a fragment of Tom's magical core, but had not even a sliver of a soul fragment. There was nothing to be removed.

Harry, well, that was a LOT more complicated. So complicated that Tom had to summon the Resurrection stone to sort it out.  
Harry insisted that Severus, Sirius, Remus, Bellatrix, Cassie, and his fellow Acting Ensigns (including the newest ones, Ron and Ginny Weasley), be present when the Horcrux was removed. Minerva McGonagall and Professor Flitwick insisted they be present as well, as both were quite fond of Harry and Severus.

-Poppy Pomfrey began her assessment of Harry, and immediately appeared dumbstruck. "Severus, dear, did you know that Harry's very skin holds a layer of protective magic with your magical signature?"

Severus experienced an intense flashback of the night Voldemort killed the Potters. His attention was frozen on his wand, which shot out an intense ball of raw magic. His latent Veelacorn recognized a fellow Veelacorn and instinctively threw up that shield.

-Pomfrey found absolutely no trace of Tom Riddle's or Albus Dumbledore's Magic or soul. Tom was imperio'd when he killed the Potters, he had no hatred for them, hence no soul fragment was liberated. Dumbledore lacked the power required to make a horcrux, although he had hatred in spades. No soul fragments, no Tom Riddle or Albus Dumbledore horcruxes. Easy peasy, right?

WRONG!

A further soul scan showed the presence of three whole souls abiding within the youngest Potter, souls whose signatures had much in common with Harry's.

Tom now knew he had to summon the souls of Harry's parents. Accio the Resurrection stone", Tom cried, and the Gaunt ring flew into Riddle's hand, cracking open to reveal the third Deathly Hallow (Tom had incendio'd the Death Stick, knowing he would always be tempted by its allure.). He instructed Harry to turn the stone thrice, and slowly, the ethereal forms of James and Lily Potter appeared.

"Holy shit, I'm finally free from this forced bonding!", Lily blurted out, before realizing that Harry and Severus were smack dab in front of her. She blushed even redder than Harry while willing away a stiffy in the middle of Potions class.

James took in the sight of Cassie Potter, his firstborn child. "Lily, would you be upset if I spent time with my daughter and her mother? I will always respect you, but-"

"Please, PLEASE take all the time you like. Haunt Grimmauld Place for the next 150 years, for all I care. And please, I knew all about Bellatrix and her unborn baby all along, and I WAS FINE WITH IT. There was no way I was going to have another child with you, I was pleased Harry would have a sibling, regardless", Lily shouted, having lost the concept of an inside voice after 16 years as a soul hitchhiker.

"Mom, I can't believe it's you! I have so many questions, but I have to know something first. Were you in love with Severus?"

Lily and Severus both looked at him, stunned, before simultaneously erupting into barking laughter, laughing so hard that they were crying, before Harry cleared his throat. "Honestly, you two are acting like little firsties, hyped up on Halloween candy. What's so friggin' funny?".  
"Harry, Severus has always been a Seeker for the home team", she giggled.

"And your Mother had strong feelings for both Lucius AND Narcissa Malfoy, and her feelings were reciprocated. Draco could have been your brother!"

Harry and Draco shared a stunned glance before the stern voice of the Mediwitch stopped all conversation.

"As heartwarming as this little family reunion is, we have a serious issue here," Pomfrey interjected.

"James, Lily, what do you want done with your souls? Tom has proven that souls can be incorporated into electronic receptacles, he has done so three times now. You could also chose to remain as ghosts, in the places of your choosing, or your souls can be liberated beyond the veil, in the Department of Mysteries."

"Mom, Dad, I have a Teddy Ruxpin and a Snack and Play Cabbage Patch Doll. Would you like to inhabit them? You should be able to move around freely, and speak the Queen's English, once Tom and Professor Flitwick are done with you."

"Tom, if either of us want to shuffle our electronic coil, would you assist in the process of liberating our souls?", James Potter asked cautiously, hoping he was correct, that Tom Riddle was now honorable.

"You have my word, both of you", Tom swore. "I'd offer a Wizards Oath, but you two are now incorporeal, it won't take; and after you are in your electronic forms, there will be too high a risk of us short circuiting.

"Accio Teddy Ruxpin, Accio Snack and Play Cabbage Patch Kid, Harry shouted, and in a flash, the toys appeared. Handing the toys to Tom, Harry then sent his Patronus to Professor Flitwick and Narcissa Malfoy.

Two hours, two wizards, a mediwitch and two electronic doll facsimiles later, James Teddy Ruxpin Potter and Snack and Play Lily Patch Evans, James and Lily for short, were turned over to Bellatrix Black and Narcissa Malfoy, respectively. Harry figured his Mom and Dad had seen him in ALL of his embarrassing moments, let them spy on someone else (eww, they'd seen him wank. A lot. Too gosh darn friggin' much. Let Cassie get a taste of never ending scrutiny!)

As his parent dolls were about to leave, Harry blurted out the question he'd been pondering for years - "How the hell was I born a friggin' Veelacorn, when neither of you are Veelacorns"-

"Language, Harry!", all of the assembled uttered, all except Harry, who was blushing, and Lily, who knew the answer but held on to it for a moment, enjoying her son's embarrassment. She had had to see him wank. Repeatedly. He did it so often, she was shocked it didn't catch fire.

When the silence grew deafening, Lily had pity on him and spoke. "Only males are Veelacorns, Harry. The inheritance is carried by a sex-linked recessive gene, which requires a Y chromosome to activate. Women carry the gene, but do not express it. Men can only inherit the gene from their mothers. I have a grand uncle, Uncle Thaddeus, who is a Veelacorn. Only witches, wizards, and squibs can see the Veelacorn. If you have no magic, you will only see a man. My mother, a squib, and I could see his creature form, my sister could not. That is why Petunia hated me. Not even a squib, she could not see magic, and she hated that I could do so, long before we knew I was a witch."

"Severus, my Maternal grandmother knew the Princes, you have a Great Uncle Archibald who is a Veelacorn. You should look him up, the Princes venerate their creature heritage and all who carry it!"

"Sev, did you know I carried my parents souls along, like two voyeuristic strap hangers, all this time? And if you even SUSPECTED they were there, why didn't you, I don't know, TELL ME?", Harry screeched, like a high school girl with a great big zit, that erupted on the tip of her nose, one hour before prom night.

"Gee, writer, run-on-sentence much?"

"Shut it, inner monologue. BTW, hypenating those words does not miraculously transform them into a verb, dumbass!"

"A sphincter says what?"

"What?"

"Precisely", chuckled my inner monologue.

"There just isn't enough caffeine for a day like today. The voices in my head are arguing. That's enough comic relief - let's find out how Severus is going to explain his way out his current conundrum.  
"You knew about the spirits I sensed. The more I thought on it, the more I wondered if they had chosen to stay with you, rather than go on to the next realm. I had no way to prove my suspicions. I certainly did not want to hurt you, if my hunch was incorrect."

"It's getting late. Harry, Severus, do you take each other as eternal soulmates".

"Oh Merlin, YES", the two untransformed Veelacorns purred.

A complex wand motion later, two drop dead GORGEOUS half-man, half dark unicorn/Pegasus-appearing beings cantered around the Great Hall. Firenze sensed the transformation and galloped into the hall.

"Welcome to the Community of Magical Hominid Equines. You will spend a whole lunar cycle with the Centaurs. There is a Zebracorn from Wizarding Nairobi, who will guide you in the ways of the transforming equines. By the end of the month, you will be escorted back to Hogwarts by me, as well as Severus's Uncle Archibald and Harry's Uncle Thaddeus. Know that after this time, you will be able to switch between your hominid and hominid-equine forms. Know, Harry, that you can only conceive in your equine form, though you carry and deliver in your hominid form".

"I want to be a Grandmother, Severus. Make that happen, will you?"

Harry was too embarrassed to blush, the electronic Potters cackled before being escorted to their new homes, and Harry and Severus Potter-Snape used their new legs to swiftly gallop out of the Great Hall, Firenze bringing up the rear.

Next stop - the Centaur Village. Finally, some action! Woo hoo! 


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Although this chapter is short, something else is anything BUT. Lucky Harry! Aka Harry Potter Snape, the Devirgination Summary:

Harry finally gets a whole lot of sumthin' sumthin'. YEEHAW!

Notes:

JKR owns the Potterverse, I just play with the characters, so they can play together, naughtily! No money is made by this humble writer.

A lazy bass-baritone's crooning could be heard wafting its way out of the bridal suite/stable of the newly bonded Potter-Snape Veelacorns. "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together" could be heard clearly throughout the Magical Equine Community. "Firenze, do you have any idea why the most uptight wizard in all of the Wizarding United Kindgom is singing, wildly out of tune, I might add, at four in the morning, waking the whole of the Community?", Magorian bellowed, standing amongst the other man-horses, in the middle of the Community Commons.

"How is Snape's vocal offering any more embarrassing than Potter's Madeline Kahn impersonation, as he screamed 'Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I found you' while losing his blasted virginity", grumbled an obviously perturbed Zebracorn, who had barely escaped witnessing the event, by galloping away, like the wind, after performing their mating blessing.

"I might have confused the Equine Matrimonial Potion with the Geriatric Veelacorn Stiffy Stimulant", whispered Firenze.

"Holy Hairy Trotters, Firenze, it's gonna be 4 more hours of them rutting before we get some peace", Bane shouted, failing to realize that, as Magical Creatures, they could just have sound-proofed the honeymoon haven of the two"just married" hooved horsey wizards.

Snape and Harry chose that moment to swagger out of their suite, looking very smug with themselves. "What's the occasion, gentlemen?", Snape queried, clearly confused by the very early morning gathering.

"Silencing charms are wonderful things", Firenze whispered to his Professorial colleague. Nodding his head in understanding, Snape looked over at Harry, wondering what shade his bondmate would blush this time. Harry continued his smug smiling, reveling in his recent devirgination, and hoping to recreate the experience as soon as possible. He didn't even care if it they did so smack dab in the center of the Community Commons.

Sensing Harry's libido telepathically, Severus nudged him and galloped back to the bridal stable for more equine mating escapades.  
As I promised this was a smut-free fic, I will not go into exacting anatomical detail as to Veelacorn mating behavior. I will clarify a few points.  
Although above the waist, Harry was still male, his horsey bits were those of a Mare. Severus was very much the stallion in their Equine relationship, a very well hung stallion insteed.

Snape pounded Potter into the haystacks! Potter LOVED IT!

Although they can have sexy sexy fun time as men, Harry cannot conceive that way.

Snape and Harry are now physiologically the same age, it is the gift given to the older partner of a Veelacorn pair, for decades of virginity. That gift carries over into his human form, as well as the good looks. Lucky Bastard!

Harry is pregnant. He knows it. So does Snape. Hence Snape's rendition of "I am the Walrus". It's a boy. And a girl. TWINS. Neither know that. Isn't fate HILARIOUS?

Back to Biology 101. Harry will keep his womb, but the other bits are lost when he transforms back to his human form. Snape will still be hung, though, as he has always been thus gifted. Harry is a lucky man-horse indeed.

Any more detail, and this will be a smut fic, so let's leave the Potter-Snapes to their hon-neigh-moon and we'll catch up with them at the end of the lunar month. 


	19. Chapter 19

Tom's Epiphany - It's a DOOZY!

Summary:

Tom Riddle learns the truth about Wizards, Witches, and Muggles. It blew his mind. It might blow your mind, as well.

Notes:

JKR's characters are playing in a sandbox of my design. I get paid nothing. She'll be making all the money, especially in 2018, when Cursed Child opens on Broadway.

Tom Riddle's Epiphany - This One's Serious

After the bonding of Harry Potter, the Veelacorn Who Lived, and Severus Snape, the Sexiest, Snarkiest, and most Badass Veelacorn who ever was, Tom Riddle took an international portkey back to the wizarding division of NYU, Tisch School of the Arts. He arrived prior to the spring semester, with an old hairbrush and an old toothbrush in his possession, as he was participating in a research study at NYU School of Medicine, a joint project involving the Muggle and Wizarding divisions.

The project was an offshoot of the Human Genome Project, a multinational effort to map the entirety of the human genome. The Wizarding World had been very resistant to the project, arguing that magic was not genetic, it was a gift from the earth to those worthy to receive it. A small group of witches and wizards, those also gifted in the arts and sciences, suspected that there was magic inherent in those gifts, separate from being able to manipulate the physical world with evocative magic (using magic to do things that Muggles can not).

This theory meant that those Muggles gifted in the arts and sciences possessed a magic that allowed them to tap into inspiration, and understand science and math and medicine on a fundamental level, a level unattainable by those without those gifts.

The theory was that these gifts, of evocative magic and performance, charismatic, and intellectual magic, were coded in the genome, and that those without evocative magic, could still carry magical genes within them, performing either great works of art, or great scientific or academic discoveries, or be great or influential leaders.

The entirety of the Tisch School Performing Arts, and NYU School of Medicine, Muggle and Wizarding, donated blood for genetic mapping of the academic and performing arts genes. Only the scientific investigators running the study knew that they were also looking for the gene or genes that coded for evocative magic, as well as possible mutations that would explain Squibs. The Principal Investigators did know which participants were witches and wizards, but did not know to which schools (areas of study) the study subjects belonged.

Tom's DNA specimens were crucial to a specific study question - Was there a dark magic gene? Researchers were well aware of Lord Voldemort's reign of terror, and Tom Riddle had volunteered to be a test subject to answer that very question.  
Tom Riddle delivered his DNA specimens to the Human Genome Lab, then went his merry way to his off-campus apartment. His was the very last sample. received, all of the others had already been processed.

Two weeks later, all of the study participants were called into the two largest auditoriums in the medical school, sorted by Muggle vs Wizard status.

The Muggle participants were told of the presence of genes that corresponded with talent, inspiration, and intellect, that all of the study participants possessed. The students were told that biology had given them gifts that they would be able to pass on to future generations.  
What the Muggles weren't told was profound. The Wizarding students got the full story. These genes were found on the same chromosomes as those for both evocative magic, and that there was a series of genetic mutations that could suppress those evocative magic genes. Certain mutations would allow people to see physical magic, but not perform it. Others allowed "Muggles" to tap into artistic or academic magic, allowing them to excel in their fields. The inspiration, the genius factor, that was also magic.

And the Wizarding world, those members possessed the genes to allow them to manipulate the magic around them, to affect change in the physical realm. Those wizards and witches who possessed intellectual or artistic or charismatic magic, they possessed the very same genes of their Muggle counterparts, the only difference being a random mutation in the evocative magic gene, the mutations in that gene made Muggles a thing.

Simply put, all early humans were magic, in more ways than one. Mutations over time made Muggles, who were still magical, but could not manipulate their physical surroundings. The researchers postulated that Muggles banded together to survive, as their ability to perform magic was lost. Technology developed over time, with intellectual and artistic magic that had not been lost.  
Muggle-borns arose from couples who had different mutations in the evocative magic genes, the recombined DNA of the child possessed intact evocative magic genes.

And much to the relief of Tom Riddle, there was no dark magic (or Muggle evil). gene. Review of the life histories of Muggle and Wizarding despots proved that environmental and social factors, paired with the magical gift of charisma, worked together in forming a despot, with the charisma being the lesser of the influences.

Tom Riddle did not need to hear the rest of the presentation, he knew it deep down in his soul. All humans have magic, pure bloods were a myth, and that the gift of magic is not one gift, but many, and performing evocative magic was only a tiny fraction of the magic of humanity.  
Tom decided then and there that he would apply to the doctoral program in the film studies department, with his thesis being documenting the Magic of Humanity, Following Magic in All of Its Forms. Then, if he was very lucky, he would return to Hogwarts, teaching a Muggle Studies course that celebrated the Magic of Muggles and Wizarding and Muggle history, emphasizing their common origin.

Tom suddenly realized he owed a huge debt to Harry Potter, Severus Snape, and most of all, Nagini. Nagini saw the humanity Dumbledore ripped away from Tom Riddle, and she enlisted the help of Harry Potter and Severus Snape to bring back his humanity. He would have to find a way to repay her. Snape knew some enchanted snake handlers, in his role as a Potions Master. Perhaps Nagini would like a mate? He would have to Emperor Eagle Snape, as soon as he and Harry came back from their horsey-moon.

Thus endeth the Chapter. Next Chapter - Baby Snapes. Or is that Baby Snakes? Ooh, maybe both - baby snakes for baby parselmouths - this could be FUN!

Note : I just don't have the words to thank each and every one of you, who have read this work and/or commented about it. I truly appreciate it. Thank you so very much! 


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: We Interrupt this Tail to Announce this Totally Out of Left Field Plot Twist

Summary:

The title says it all. I apologize for nothing.  
Notes:

JKR is the Supreme Empress of the Potterverse. I am just playing with her characters. Giddy up!

Two a.m., and Aberforth Dumbledore was at the Hogshead Inn, cleaning up, after the last customer stumbled out into the night. His silent routine was shattered when a Phoenix flashed into existence six inches away from his face, singeing his eyebrows and his beard, and nearly stopping his heart.

"Fawkes, you insane, incendiary enchanted chicken, what in the name of Circe's lactating tit are you doing here?", Aberforth yelled, clearly forgetting to use his inside voice while communicating with a legendary magical being that could reduce him to a flaming pile of rubble.

Fawkes deliberately looked down at his left foot, then back at the younger Dumbledore brother, thrice, before Dumbledore the Younger noticed the scroll the phoenix was carrying. "It's not possible, Albus is dead", he whispered, as he stared at the scroll bearing the seal of the mighty Albus Dumbledore. He cautiously opened the document, fearing it would be his last action before dying a hideously painful death.

Dearest Aberforth,

I am imprisoned in the Tower of Nurmengard Prison. Fawkes recently delivered an old copy of the Prophet, announcing "my" death. The "Albus Dumbledore" that had been terrorizing Wizarding Britain was none other than Gellert Grindelwald. After I beat him in our infamous duel, he wandlessly and wordlessly Stupefied me, locked me up in the tower, and had the guards provide him with hair samples, monthly, so he could impersonate me.

Reports of Grindelwald's demise here in the prison were false. When Gellert died, my magic was unfettered, and Fawkes returned to me. My house elf, Frisky, has made my cell livable, and has cared for me, and provided me with plentiful food and clean clothes. She has also Imperioed the guards, who have left the castle, leaving me stranded. I have needed a long time to recover, physically and mentally. Frisky can apparate freely, but I can not overcome the anti-apparition wards here without a wand, and Frisky can not apparate me out. Please send my wand, as well as Kingsley Shacklebolt, Tom Riddle, and one of those DNA specialists, and yourself, dear Brother, to Nurmengard. I have provided hair and saliva samples, which I hope you will have had tested before you see me. The DNA specialist can take further samples, to verify my identity, when you all arrive, to free me from this prison

I pray this missive finds you well, and that when we meet, you bring some of your EXQUISITE artisanal goat cheddar. Your goat cheddar has been a subject of many culinary fantasies. Make it happen, PLEASE?

Love (and don't forget the cheese)

Albus "I'm dreaming of a white cheddar" Dumbledore

"Holy Thestral Shit, it really is Albus! His love of goat cheese is the stuff of legend, he'd give his left big toe for a wheel of my finest cheese! Fawkes, take me to the cheese cellar, and then deliver the cheese wheel to my dear brother. See to it that Frisky provides him with French baguettes and wine, and a fruit plate, daily, I will arrange for payment with Gringotts".

Aberforth selected a wheel of his finest cheddar, put a keep fresh charm upon it, and after providing a core sample to Fawkes, who was also a cheeseaholic, sent Albus's familiar on his way.

He apparated back to the Hogshead, where he floo called, in succession, Gringotts, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Tom Riddle, and Firenze, who summoned the Potter-Snape's, who, fortunately for the Centaur, were NOT pounding each other into the haystacks. It was only after all that, that poor Aberforth went and fed the goats. It being dawn, there would be no rest for the weary Dumbledore, the Younger. Especially after the Prophet got news of Albus Dumbledore's survival, and Gellert Grindelwald's treachery. Grindelwald, the TRUE DARK LORD.

The press swarmed the Hogshead. The poor innkeeper, goat herder, and artisanal cheese maker wouldn't see his bed for another thirty-six hours, after he hexed the twentieth reporter who requested yet another interview. The hex took the last bit of energy from the poor wizard, who literally fell asleep on his feet. Kingsley, who had witnessed the incident while picking up his monthly cheese order, levitated the exhausted man to his bed, tucked him in, and locked up the Hogshead Inn on his way out, clutching his cheese to chest. Aberforth really was a Master Cheesesmith!

Bam! Just when you thought Albus was pushing up the daisies, he returns!

Next up - Albus, Severus, Tom and Harry meet the real Albus Dumbledore, who HATES lemon drops and LOVES cheese. I sure hope Harry isn't lactose intolerant, because cheese is an excellent source of calcium, protein, and calories, which his growing foals need, and the Dumbledores are insistent, that Harry be supplied with Aberforth's finest cheese. And yes, Harry is still in his Veelacorn form, and he will be foaling in his creature form, as his twins are full Veelacorns, only their horns will erupt when they mature. Oops, is it too late to say SPOILER ALERT?!

Sorry (not sorry). 


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: And That, Kids, is the True Story of How I Met Your Grandfather

Summary:

We finally reach the end of this epic tale. AKA - the dreaded EPILOGUE.  
Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text The extended Potter-Snape family, Harry, Severus, the twins, Tom Riddle, and the Dumbledore brothers, were sitting in a circle, relaxing after a picnic lunch at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Nearby, a group of Centaurs, led by Magoran and Firenze, as well as two Veelacorns, Thaddeus Marcus Evans IV (Mrs. Evan's maiden name was also Evans, 'cause JKR didn't specify her maiden name, so this writer's improvising) and Sylvester Ignatius Prince were putting the finishing touches on the newest addition to Hogwarts, Pegasus House - more on that later.

Where was I - ah yes, the Snape-Potter family were sitting in a circle, with Harry telling a story and the children listening with rapt attention. "And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Grandpa", Harry stated as he finished his shaggy dog story to his ten and a half year old twins, Minerva Eileen and James Albus Potter-Snape.

"Oh, no it's not", shouted Little James, simultaneously rolling his eyes and rising from the grassy meadow, stomping his right front hoof in exasperation. "You only mentioned Grandpa Albus before jumping right to the end. He was still in prison and you and Papa were still in the magical horse village when you just stopped the story" added Minnie, who arose and started trotting in circles around her Grandpa Albus.

Albus casted his patented twinkling gaze upon Harry, and Harry, who could not resist that gaze, broke out laughing. "Listen, Gramps, there is no way I am going to tell these young children the story about how Kingsley and Aberforth rescued you, and then, led by Tom, how you all descended upon the Magical Equine compound, storming the honeymoon stable, during a private moment", Harry sputtered, while blushing like a schoolgirl.

"In our defense, it did sound like someone was being thoroughly pounded -". Albus did not get to complete his explanation, for two very precocious Veelacorns started giggling madly. "Grandpa and Granduncle Dumbledore caught Daddy and Papa kissing", shouted the twins.

"Making babies is more like it", Severus whispered in Harry's ear, just loud enough for Tom and the Dumbledores to hear. Harry blushed a darker shade of crimson, Tom chuckled, Albus twinkled, and Aberforth commented "I had the goats milking overtime keeping Harry stocked with cheddar after that!"

"Harry, I can't help but wonder why you chose to end the story with the mention of Aberforth's award winning cheddar", Severus shrewdly commented.

"Tell the truth, Harry, what's got you ending your epic tale before revealing the how of Albus's rescue? Why stop with cheddar? What aren't you telling us?" Tom queried, rapid fire, as Harry suddenly adopted an endearing (to Severus) deer in the headlights look.

Aberforth, always a shrewd observer of human nature, mumbled "looks like I'm gonna have to breed the goats early if I'm gonna keep up with Harry 'the Boy Who Craves Premium Goat Cheddar While Knocked Up' Potter".

Severus arose, took Harry's right hand in his, and helped him to a stand. Pulling him into a tender hug, he asked Harry, "Are you with foal, Harry? We are in human form, how can that be?"

"We weren't during our second honeymoon at the compound", Harry whispered. "I am with child, twins, actually, due on September first. Poppy will be delivering alone this time, no need for Professor Grubbly-Plank."

"We go to Hogwarts September first, Papa, Daddy can't have a baby then", sulked Minnie.

"We will just have to go to Hogwarts together, as a family, this August, so Daddy will be near Madame Pomfrey, should the babies arrive early", Severus stated to his shocked foals, who finally realized twins meant two babies, not one.

"Don't worry, Minnie and Jimmy, come September first, Tom, Aberforth and I will take you to the station, so you can board the Hogwarts Express. Several Centaur foals, as well as two Zebracorn foals, will be going to Hogwarts this year, so there are magically expanded coaches for the all of you, which your schoolmates are free to visit. Professor Firenze will be in the first of the specially made boats that you will board to cross the lake, with your other classmates ", Albus, the true Headmaster of Hogwarts, informed the young Potter-Snapes , who were listening attentively.

With two new Potter-Snape's gestating, this writer has reached the end of this epic tail. I would be remiss if I didn't wrap up a few loose ends.

Lily and James Potter chose to release their souls to the Veil in the Hall of Mysteries. After spending a year getting to know their children, there was a soul release ceremony there, attended by close family and friends. They were commemorated as heroes.

Cassiopeia Ebony Potter met and fell head over golden hooves for Sylvester Prince, and was influential, in her role as a Wizarding lawyer, in ushering a new partnership with the Magical Equine Hominids, resulting in Hogwarts' first class of Centaurs, Zebracorns, and Veelacorns. She and her husband are also expecting twins, thus assuring the growth of the Veelacorn gene pool. Those Veelacorns are a fertile bunch!

Harry, Severus, Thaddeus and Sylvester met with the Sorting Hat, and it was decided that the Magical Equine Hominid students would be placed in Pegasus House, thus prompting a change in the Hogwarts crest. With three winged beasts on the crest, it has a tendency to fly off the Hogwarts acceptance letters as they are opened. Albus has not intervened, finding it a nifty little side effect of magic that has helped increase both enrollment and donations to the school.

The Weasleys, with the help of Tom Riddle and his amazing filmmaking skill, become richer than the Malfoys, after being given their own reality series, "Life in the Burrow". Arthur's fascination with all things Muggle has made the series a smash hit.

Tom Riddle is once again inhabiting Quirrell's body, with Quirrell's full consent. Madame Pomfrey magicked them a new trouser snake, just because. In return for use of his body, Quirrell requested that one day a week, Quirrell be allowed to be in control of the body, riding, as the lead mounted wizard, in a thestral gang, herding rogue trolls into the new troll preserve, deep in the Forbidden Forest. Tom is the foremost Wizarding filmmaker, and collaborates with Muggle filmmakers when the project interests him.

Bellatrix Black is now married to the Muggle Minister for Sport and is an avid football (soccer) fan. She met him through Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Muggle Prime Minister, at a Ministry Ball. She is now very pro Muggle. She drives a minivan, and has two young sons, both wizards.

The girls who were kidnapped by Grindelwald are all now using their true birth names, although they maintain close ties to all the parents involved. All have married and are happy with their families and careers.

Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley married soon after Hogwarts. Draco became, of all things, a Jarvey breeder, developing a breed of Jarvey with a sleek silver coat and possessing an impeccable, family friendly vocabulary. He is now breeding for onyx and chestnut colored coats. This has made him rich, quite independent of his family fortune.

Ginny Weasley played professional Quidditch before joining Draco in his business venture. She also has birthed two little Malfoys, who delight in playing with the magical otter and mink relatives.

Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbot, along with Luna Lovegood and Rolf Scamander, purchased The Leaky Cauldron. How they conduct their relationships is private, this writer will not speculate, much. Hannah is the cook and hostess, while Neville teaches Herbology at Hogwarts. When Luna and Rolf are not on expeditions, tracking all manner of magical beasties, they call the Leaky Cauldron home. They have twin sons, whose names this writer cannot recall. One looks suspiciously like Neville. Neville and Hannah also have children, no doubt future herbologists, but without wi-fi, this writer can't fact check on the internet and is just speculating.

Albus Dumbledore remained as Headmaster of Hogwarts until he passed on in his sleep, at the ripe old age of 201.

Aberforth Dumbledore became a world-renowned cheese maker, with both Wizarding and Muggle distributors. He passed his knowledge of artisanal cheese making to Harry Potter and his foals, who continued the tradition to future generations.

Harry and Severus were happily bonded until they both died, together, holding hands, on Severus' 220th Birthday (Harry was 200).

Ronald Weasley. What happened to him, you ask? Well, he went back to the Dam trolls, this time as an employee. He designed Dam troll toys for Wizarding folk, and he met and married a beautiful Danish witch, who bore him many beautiful strawberry-blond children, not a dunce in the bunch.

And what of Nagini, Cecil the Basilisk, and Cornflower the Australian Bouncing Budgie? They were relocated to Grimmauld Place, to join the Magical Menagerie cared for by Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and when not out exploring magical fauna, Luna and Rolf Scamander. Nagini was celebrated as the familiar who helped save the Wizarding World, by befriending Harry and helping heal Tom Riddle. Cornflower was credited for her role in thwarting Grindelwald. Cecil was finally recognized as an endangered species, and his life was made infinitely less lonely when Severus Snape discovered a potion to neutralize his death gaze. He became very docile and craved human affection.

Notes:

Thank you to everyone who read this tail, those who left comments, and those who read it and didn't, thinking WTF DID I JUST READ? I am grateful to you all, you helped me realize that I can write more than just column length material. Thank you also for making me laugh with your feedback, I really appreciate it. And elvirakitties, thanks again for the prompt, and Alisanne, lovetoseverus and Sheankelor, you ladies rock! 


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: For How I Met Your Mother Fans

Summary:

An explanation of the last tag added, for How I Met Your Mother Fans

I am a huge How I Met Your Mother fan, yet I write only Harry Potter crack fanfics.

I have given shout outs to Futurama (Lord Bendermort), Star Trek (both the original and Next Generation), and My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. But the references to HIMYM are brief, yet deeply heartfelt from this writer. The first is "Old Granny's Dirty Potty Mouth Fixer Elixir", an homage to Barney Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. The second is the plot device I used to end this story, the same one used by Ted to end his story to his children. Classic Schmosby, I think!

I write Harry Potter crack fanfics, but my use of the HIMYM plot device at the end earned it a HIMYM tag. Please realize that I LOVE HIMYM, and mean it no disrespect. I am writing this now only because I realized that I should have inserted something at the end of Chapter 21, but I just needed the story to be done, it's been in the works for 7 1/2 months and it needed to be finished.

Thanks for reading!  



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